Scary Movie

Back to the hate....You're a fucking idiot if you always buy bottled water. We all have to do it once in a while. But if you buy it all the time, I fucking hate you on so many levels. First off....IT'S JUST MOTHER FUCKING TAP WATER YOU FUCKTARD. Good job being a sucker to marketing, you should start smoking...it's cool and makes you look sophisticated, jackass. Number 2...BPA will kill you and make your genitals fall off. It's in plastic bottles. Especially don't drink out of the 5 gallon jugs from Nestle, Coke, or Pepsi. Check out the fat Spokesasshole's face at 3:56 when asked about BPA. And number 3...You're making the planet a festering butthole. I'm no smelly hippy, but every godamm beach in Mexico and Central America is littered with the shit. For fuck's sake already.

Sloth level low

Man, I could use another day added to this weekend, there wasn't much down time. The wedding I attended was really cool. Sitting in a hot fucking church and wearing a jacket, I was sweating more than the groom. The reception was classic. The music was a upgrade from every other reception I've drank at. Sean Kelly of the Samples played some mellow tunes to swill to. And I guess there was a couple Beach Boys in the other band. I don't know who they were, but it definitely wasn't Brian Wilson. I hung out for a while, but kept checking on the surf out front of the Biltmore. Finally, since I didn't want to get all drunk at 3pm and pass out before the sun goes down, I bailed. I waited until a good amount of the old people left and I made a break for it. Good timing, cuz Rincon was FIRING. Way better than I expected. My arms were crampng bad for the last hour, but it was worth it. And I may have found the new Ms Recluse. Let the stalking begin.

Friday's stoney sunset


10am shotgun wedding means afternoon waves.


The music included the guy from the Samples and a couple Beach Boys.

swell upcoming forecast

The futurecast is calling for an incredi weekend. It should be hot with great waves so 100% chance of shreddin the piss outta some waves. Creeping in sunday will be high levels of spandex due to the purchase of a brand new bike. Also, be prepared for a royal wedding in Montecito followed by a reception at the swanky Four Seasons Biltmore Hotel. I'm super stoked.

Black Surfing Dot Com

Dude's cool just standing next to a surf van...

Have you ever noticed that there's not many brotha's surfing? Especially in SoCal. I'll be honest, I have. There's some Mexicans and randoms, but why so few African Americans? Whenever I see a non-honky in the water, I always notice. Not in any kind of Southern-Man kind of way. More of a "hey, nice, good to see some diversity, but that fucker better not snake me" way. Today, one of my web friends, Surfsista had a post on her site about the man who died at the Wedge during that massive swell last month. He was 50 year old brother with 42 years of body surfing skills. So sad. In the memorial paddle out pics, there's a man with a blacksurfing.com shirt. Rad. I forgot there was a Black Surfing organization. Hopefully it's like the National Brotherhood Of Skiers. They're a group that's working to get a black athlete on the podium in skiing at the Olympic level. Four words for them...Shaq, Slalom, & Crushing Gates. The Brotherhood takes over random ski towns every year. These annual trips bring about 2000-5000 strong to a predominantly rich/white/old/stale ski resort. If you've ever been there when it happens, it's fucking awesome. Not the greatest skiers, but they win gold medals at hootin and hollerin. The bars are way better dressed and WAAAAYYY more rowdy that week. Good times for all. I dunno what the reason for this posting is. Just that it would be cool to get yelled at and snaked by a more diverse range of dickheads.

Tuesday Time Killers

Really boring day today around the office. We shipped a fuckload last week and yesterday. Great Britain and Indo will be full. Later this week, Japan gets some. But for now, nothing for me to do today. But I can't just leave. What's really lame is there's surf out there right now. Good surf. I could be dorking on waves right now. Or I could be on an epic bike ride. Or I could be tanning the grissle while taking a nap on some beach around here. I don't care. Anything other than in front of this cuntputer. Nope. I'm stuck at the desk, faking productivity. Here's what I've produced so far today....











"All hail Satan,
Yes, hail Satan"

The Ranch

I was a little under the weather all weekend, but that didn't stop me from surfing The Ranch. My buddy Duffy took me out there saturday and sunday. Saturday sucked ass. Duffy's a great guy, but he's gone homo or something. He only rides those stupid fucking stand up paddle boards. To make it worse, we surfed Bolito with 3 other stand up dorks. The waves were crappy and it got super inconsistent and windy. So saturday basically was a worst case scenario. Sunday was a lot better. We surfed glassy Johns Pond by ourselves for about hour before another stand up donkey paddled out. They're everywhere at The Ranch, like flys on shit. While the 4 of us surfed for another hour, some kid had gotten his buddies 2wd pickup burried axle deep in the sand and high centered. The tide was coming up, too. We all surfed and watch this dude dig away. The others eventually paddled in to help dig/pull out this retard. Not me. It's called tough love. Survival of the fittest. Plus, this is THE HOLLISTER RANCH. I only have a limited number of hours on The Ranch and I sure as hell ain't gonna spend them breathing exhaust and scooping tons of sand. So it was just me surfing alone for another 45 minutes. Dropping in late, turning under the lip, and sitting in shoulder/head high pockets. Till the guilt finally got to me and I went in to lend a hand. I have no pictures because as I was pulling off the wave in the shore break they yanked the rig out. Turns out they didn't need me. Awesome, my arms were cramping badly anyway.

Trek & Destroy

Bike week continues and the search for a new ride rolls on. Today it took an interesting turn and I found a killer deal. I went into a local shop that specializes in high end road bikes and I think I've narrowed it down to the Trek Madone 6.5. It's either the 6.5 or the 6.5 Pro, I can't remember exactly. They name these bikes so fucking similar that my brain can't remember which is what. The bike has full Dura Ace and weighs about 16lbs in my size 58. Did they say 16lbs? FUCKEN-A, man. I've taken dumps heavier than that. That shaves about 5lbs off my current frame and increases stiffness a fuckload. Therefore, it transfers all my power directly to the road, allowing me to ride 40% more miles with 65% less energy. Or something like that. I'm working this over in my head so I can justify spending $4500 on a bike instead of 6 months in Bali. Old Jeff would have walked out of the shop with a new bike today, even though Old Jeff was broke. New Jeff needs to pull the trigger or step away.

Sticker shock

Holy fuck, man. Road bikes cost a testicle or two these days. As I gear up for my Death Climb 09, I've taken a long hard look at my current bike and realized it's old and beaten. Like Tina Turner. So I've been cruizin around the innerwebs looking at upgrading. My frame is titanium, it'll be around after the Nuclear Winter. But it's tired and it could drop a few pounds. The first idea was to get a new Dura Ace grouppo for the old Litespeed. But I don't really wanna spend $4000 on parts. That's just putting lipstick on a pig. So then I started looking at buying retail and shit my pantalones. I like to get the best when it comes to bikes and shred gear, but HOLY FUCKIN recession man. 10 Fucking grand for 13.90 lbs of carbon fiber? What asshole pays these prices? And are you hiring? I step out of the bike world for a few years and what happened? Even if I get some sort of deal on a Dura Ace 7900 equipped super ride, it's still gonna cost me $5K. There's a Giant for $13,900. There's a Colnago that's $6500 for the frame, fork, headset, and you receive a free anal raping. And the bargain of the day is a Time frameset that's on sale for $3167. Whoopie! Looks like I gotta start whoring again to afford a new ride.

$1 to look at it
$2 to touch it
$3 to watch me touch it
$5 to touch it while I touch my toes
$6 to touch me while I touch your toes

Thank you Wend Magazine

Wow, crotch of steel at 2:35. This is similar to my climbing style for the upcoming Tour De Gibraltar.

Old San Marcos & Gibraltar Road

Since I moved to Santa Barbara 6 years ago, I've been meaning to climb Gibralter Road with my bike. I've avoided it since I don't really bike much anymore. Which would mean there would be a lot of pain & suffering since I'm fatter, slower, less dedicated, more broken-down, and generally a lazier dude these days. Gibralter's a big, grinding 3300 foot slog over 7.7 miles with an average grade of 7.7%. It's not death defying by any means. But it looms ahead because that's after you finally reach the base of it. I've got a few choices on how to get to the beginning of the real climb. To get there, depending on the route I take, I'll add another metric shit-ton of climbing. Either way, the complete route won't be massive miles at 49.72 round trip. Those miles will be quality and I should be a little worked when I'm done. Back in the day I didn't have a sprint and I didn't have the power on the flats, but I had endurance and I could climb all fucking day. At the start of the climbs, I'd patiently let people cruise off the front with heads full of glory. Then I'd get into my rhythmn and pick em off, one by one. I really liked getting them right before the top. As they're completely spent I just cruise right past em. For a couple months now, I've been training half-assd to climb this bitch somewhere around my birthday on Septemeber 11. As a warm-up last sunday I climbed another challenging road, Old San Marcos, just to see how the legs/lungs feel. OSMR is about 1100 feet of climbing in 3 miles with a 7.5% grade. I went into it with ZERO goals and expectations and it went pretty fuckin good. All I wanted to do was see how my peice-of-shit body deals with a massive effort. My gearing needs a little help. I'm rocking a 12/23 so it was mostly an out the saddle grunt. I'd like to get a 12/28 for some seated grinding. The good news is my legs feel awesome today. I haven't felt this good pain for a long time. I'm looking forward to throwing up all over Gibraltar in about 3 short weeks.

Minivan radness

Typed those words into youtube and this a sample of what I got....

Wrong Way

Saw homie crashed out at the off-ramp near my house. Looks like his energy level is running real low. He could use a coffee. Or a fucking pillow. If I was in his Nike's, I'd pull some soft shit out of my big blue duffelbag and shove it between my skull and the cement. Good thing he was in the shade or he might end up like the dude on the roof in The Hangover.