Thursday, April 30, 2009

Hold my toolbox in your hands...please

Star date 2000-2003....
I'm living in Seattle and it's raining.
I've broken another random body part.
I'm a bitter weekend warrior working in the snowshred industry.
I'm talking calls from angry snowboarders and throwin car analogies back at em..
I'm having 2+ magarita lunches daily.
I've got a cool chick.
I'm surfing cold, fickle, sharky waters and lovin it.
I'm living at Tonto's.
Tonto just hired a "date".
Gumby's invited me over to work on his house.
Johan made fun of my Phenix jacket, again.
Lonis is eating 1 apple, 1 slice o cheese, I can of tuna, & 1 cookie.
PK is manually tugging out his nose hairs mid conversation.
Kevin Bakoda is inventing shit.

Jump ahead a few years to 2009 and Kevin Bakoda is going big time, eh. He invented some tool called the Kelvin.23. Apparently, you can hold your toolbox in the palm of your hand and measure it at the same time. Dude sells the shit at Canadian Tire and Home Dildo type stores everywhere in the Great White North. Looks like bro just landed a role on some Canadian Inventor Reality Show called The Dragon's Scrotum. Good on ya, hosehead.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

32 pesos

Quesadilla Lady=
2 quesadillas de pollo
2 jugo de mango
72 mini knapkins
less than $3
Zero blastitis later.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Meat Curtain

Why wouldn't you just let your meat flop around in the warm, Mexican air? I'd surf for a while then come in and eat it straight off the vine. Wash it down with a cold Fanta. I wonder how the swine flu started.

Monday, April 27, 2009

Wizards of the West Coast

Jesus Christ the dudes at Board As Fuck are ON IT! How do they consitently find the goods? You should cruise over and check their vids. I'd just like to say thanks. I'm gone for a couple days and get to come back to this incredible shit....

More knees to the gut, please....

Naked Wizard Tased By Reality from Tracy Anderson on Vimeo.

Puerco para vivo

Back from Mex. Surfed with Lopez and Dirksen. I was in the Zihautenajo aeropuerto yesterday and everbody was wearing face masks. Not sure why I didn't take any pix. Weird shit that doesn't make sense happens all the time in Mex, so it didn't strike me a strange. I thought it was just to protect against dust, my B.O., lame ex-pats, or Texans. Turns out healthy people are dropping like flys in Mexico City due to the Swine Flu. I dig the name...SWINE. I'm all good. The only cough I've got is from chain smoking Mexi-Marlboro Reds. Just so you know, you can still eat all the pork you can get your fat, sweaty, grubby paws on cuz you can't get this Death Virus from eatin such a delicious creature. BFLMF...Bacon For Life Mother Fuckers.

Triple Threat and good dude...

Friday, April 10, 2009

I heart paid vacations

Starting manana, I'm off the grid. I'm out! Time to surf some uncrowded breaks, drink cerveza, and blow up bean bombs via mexican beach fires. See ya in 2 weeks.

Head high

...if you get lowwwwwww
Somehow, Morgan makes my surfing look better than it is.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Today, while stopped at the intersection of Washington Blvd and Lincoln in Venice, CA, I was really excited to glance over and spot one of Venice Surf Report's legendary drunks. I wish I coulda bought him a tall cold beer, but I was in a hurry and on a time schedule. I'm not sure which one he is, but I remember the dirty green shirt, red face, and scruffy beard. It might be Christian. Matt used to buy these dudes beers and hang with them. He got to know them real well and told their depressing stories. At the same time he had fun with them. He had the Hobolympics and The Hobo 500. My opinion on these kinds of dudes changed big time all because of Matt's writing. I used to always hate these dirty smelly guys and think of them as garbage. But now I've come to be a little jealous of them. All they want to do is get wasted every day. So simple. No blown out surf to get bummed over. No chicks to pine after. No job to stress about. No car to take care of. No bills to pay. Just sweet heavenly booze. The nectar of the gods.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

The Purps

Dude is funny.

The Purps Surfs Rincon from Brown Recluse on Vimeo.

April 8, 1994

Today almost slipped right past me. I happened to be checking YouTube for Melvins vids on company time. I ran across a Buzz Osborne interview about Kurt when I noticed the date....APRIL 8, 1994. Today is the 15th anniversary of Kurt Cobain blowing his own head off. I remember Seattle dudes crying and completely destroyed by the news. It was such a shock that this depressed, cracked out, junkie killed himself? To me, if you'd ever listened to the dude, it seemed inevitable. When I lived in Seattle from 2000-2003, I used to get all spandexed up and pedal my bike past his house. If I remember right, it was in a neighborhood called Madrona, right next to Leschi. I always had to look down the driveway as I whizzed past. I'm not sure what I was looking for.

Here's some bonus heavy

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

hungover in 1994

Somebody posted a couple pictures of me on Facebook recently. They're older than some of the punk-ass kids I've been surfing with recently. You can clearly see that I'm ambidextrous. Switch or regular. I can do it. One is mid-hangover from about 1994, slothing on the couch with blankey, pillow, and water bottle. Coulda been from one of Bruce Willis' legendary Hammerhead parties.

The other pic is me manning the bar at Buckwheat's. That's where I fried tater tots in grease and poured beer into red cups for all the drunks after a long day of shreddin Baldy in a Phenix jacket. Yah, bitches PHENIX FOR LIFE.

Monday, April 6, 2009

This just in!

....somebody was filming when Lovelace was transported to the hospital. new footage just released. See if you notice when Lightgnar prances through the screen.

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Free coffee

Let's see here....what happened today? hmmm, I'm trying to think of something unusual, funny, or interesting that happened today. Jeez I'm not sure....oh wait, I thought of something. I scored some free coffee. Yah, I was sitting in the emergency room waiting to see if my buddy Ryan is now a vegetable when some worker dude rolled by with a cart of fresh coffee. So I went over and helped myself. Perfect timing.

Delicious, thank you...

Harry Headwound...

I count 8 helping hands and 2 feet...

Dimensions are about 6'2" x 24"...

He should be happier once the vicodens kick in...

For those wondering, he needed stitches and should be just fine. He took a digger surfing and got conked on the head with his 10'11". Dude was helped from the water and looked very wobbly and out of it...and REALLY bloody. Lots of peeps on the beach pitched in and took care until the paramedics arrived. The docs came, drug him off, gave him some stitches and a reach around, then spanked him on the ass and sent him on his way. All appears well. He was heard making jokes later and may have even slipped in a "that's what she said".

Saturday, April 4, 2009

Digi Howser

I was away for a couple days making the delivery run for work from Seal Beach to Whale's Vagina. Nothing much out of the norm happened. I don't think I even yelled at a single asshole on the road. Kinda weird. The coolest thing was checking out brand new Jed Noll Surf Shop in Gnarlsbad. It reeked of history, legendary bafoonery, and rat fucking your buddies. They're having a grand opening party right now. All the old timers are there and there's free booze. it's probably roaring at this very second, but I couldn't stick around. Great layout at the shop. In the back is the wood boards and art room. They'll switch up the art on a regular basis. The front has all the foam boards and the wall behind the desk is painted in black and white stripes. Nice touch. There's enough Dora vibes in there to make you check for your wallet on the way out. Jed's a cool cat. You should go out of your way to stop in and check it out.

I'm off to Mex in a week to use up all my vacation time. I finally picked up a water housing for the digi cam. Get ready for vids of the rare water donkey.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009


If you have access to 19000 wax combs and lock your keys in your car, try using them as wedges to pry your door ajar. Grab about 17 of them and carefully cram the shit into the door jam with all the force you got. Stack them by color if you want or mix and match. Get all art faggy if that's your deal. Then go to your warehouse stash of zinc cable. Grab that stuff, make a hooky thing, and slip slide it into the crevasse you just created. All you need to do now is pull the door lock and you're good to go. It's that easy, right? You may try this for about an hour at which time you get really pissed off and and just call Risdon's Towing. It's only $40 you cheap fuck. You're the dicknose that locked them in there in the first place.