Tuesday, May 31, 2011

cavity searcher

Consider yourself warned....DO NOT GO TO PERU, BUY COCA LEAF TEA AT THEIR GROCERY STORES FOR SOMETHING LIKE 75 CENTS PER 25 PACK, THEN TRY TO BRING YOUR STASH BACK TO THE GOOD OLD USA. Apparently, Homeland Security considers it in the same genre as cocaine, AKA The Peruvian Pinch. The Colombian Marching Powder. What a crock o' shit. Trust my deviated septum on this one kids, you ain't gonna Less Than Zero your butthole for some uplifting and soothing, and very delicious tea. No way, no how. Well, maybe. It's pretty damm good. No. NO DAMMIT! I said I was done with that. I won't do that again! Regardless, just don't bring the fucking Mate De Coca into this great country, alright? Some people who will remain anonymous have to learn the hard way. It's tough to tell from my receipt because Homeland Security can afford everything except carbon paper, but after getting up at 4am and flying for 10.5 hours, I was additionally detained for another 45 minutes at glorious LAX. It was okay because I got to watch them manhandle some little Asian dude who was bringing in Pee-Pee pills, a load of hiddden cash, and possibly illegal smut. They were going through his shit and grilling him like a hot dog on Memorial Day.

Luckily, when the dude asked where I was coming from, I replied Peru.
His next question was..."Oh yah? Do you have any coca tea?"
"Yep!" I said aloud, but inside I was thinking "FUCK! Shoulda ballooned it"
And with that he scribbled "COCA TEA" on my declaration and I was sent to Line B. As in BADASS.
They flat out stole my shit, filled out forms, scolded me, beat me with wilted celery, then sent me on my way.

I don't know what happened to Little Asian Man. I bolted for the exit faster than you can say Shawshank Redemption.
See you in Zihuatenajo, bitches.

Sunday, May 29, 2011

this is the end

Last day of living the dream today. Tomorrow I head back to LAX and points yonder. It was my last opportunity to wander around buying up South American treasures and have zero responsibility. After sleeping in late, I left my Hotel Inkawasi and headed downtown with a few leftover Peruvian Soles burning a hole in my pocket.

Stopped for a bacon, avo, chicken breast, tomato, mozarella, 3 dollops of ketchup, and peach slices sando with a side of fries.

Strolled past some mellow graffiti.

Giggled past The Weiner University. They spelled it wrong, by the way.

And found some stoney fishes and flowers.

All of this on my way to chill around Parque Kennedy in downtown Mira Flores.

On my way back, I felt the need for one last look at the big ass church. And then I slowly wandered back to my room to get ready for a 7am flight. Gotta get my head back in the game starting in the next few days.

Friday, May 27, 2011

make it happen

Mission accomplished. Finally, in the 100 year anniversary of Hiram Bingham discovering it, I made the trip to Machu Picchu a reality. I've been wanting to wander around Machu Picchu since something like 5th grade when I wrote a masterpiece of a bookreport on Peru. To this day, they still talk about that report with a tear in their eye at St John Fisher Grade School in Portland Oregon. It's spoken about with the likes of Hemmingway, Fitzgerald, and Twain. Back then, us old fuckers didn't have Wikidildo or even cuntpooters. We spent all weekend before it was due in the libary plagarizing the shit outta books and encyclopdias. Scribbling the most obscure lines we could find in hopes that we didn't get caught. Fucking bookreports. Don't get me started on books that aren't made into movies that follow the story EXACTLY. YOu dickhead movie producers screwed me. I once wrote a bookreport on the movie "One Flew Over The Cookcoos Nest". If you've seen AND read each you understand how completely different they really are. They aren't even close. But I got a B+ with the following phrase in big red letters..."NICE BOOK REPORT...ON THE MOVIE". When I finally read the book years later, I knew what a jackass I was. So I'm wandering around Machu Picchu yesterday and it's even more amazing than I expected. I didn't see god or anything, and I ain't gonna grow dreads so I can unappoligetically kick a hacky sack all day, but it was one of the coolest things I've ever seen. I couldn't help to think about these little dudes just sat up there in the clouds, eating coca leaves around the campfire while jabbering away, grinding their teeth, and building shit with rocks. When they were too coked up to build shit, they climbed up incredibly tall shit to check out the sun even closer. Why wouldn't ya? And I wonder how much gold they had before the Spaniards came through and took their gold and gave them Christianity. It must've been gorgeous up there, and it still is even though it's just a ruin up in the hills. Well worth the visit, man.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

the hh

Posted by Picasa

Posted by Picasa

Today I rode the train along some absolutely breathtaking scenery through massive, Andean mountain gorges. Never seen mountains go straight up like that. Must've been at least 5000 feet skyward from the train tracks. Dudes in front of me were over it. Once I arrived it was the usually process off walking around, checking shit out, stuffing my face, and running into dudes from earlier in the month. Small world. Then I hiked just another 150 meters up the trail from my Hotel Royal Inki to the Machupicchu Santuario. Or as I like to call them, the Hepatitus Hot Springs. The guidebook warns that they get a little "skungy" after noon. Yep. But I dove in anyway cuz you just can't beat the view. Then I scrubbed the skunge off, disinfected, and I'm now trying to get some shut eye before the 4am wakeup.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

la coca central

Onward and upward to the Andes, Cuzco, and eventually Machu Picchu. First stop, Cuzco airport at 11,152 feet above sea level. I arrived a bit late due to delays at the airport, so I didn't get much time to cruize around. So after checking into my Hotel where they handed me some coca tea, I got my tourista going before I grabbed some dinner. Very cool city that's old as fuck. Churches are kinda rad around here since everybody drinks of the Koolaid. Very ornate and lots to admire about the craftsmanship. Ate some really good food since I'm getting my appetite back. Usually when I travel I'm never hungry for the first few weeks. I takes about 3 weeks to get it going again. I really like food, too. On the way back to my hotel, I stopped by McDonald's for some delicious dessert McNuggets to store up some calories. Gotta make up for lost time. Who knows when I'll get a chance to eat good food, so I couldn't pass up the opportunity to stuff my face. I could be stuck with eating the local buffet which consists of llama or guinea pigs. I'd eat those guines pigs extincr if they yummy, but I somehow doubt that. Tomorrow I ride the train for 3 hours to Aguas Calientes. Then the big tourist trap on thursday. Gettin stoked to have my mind blown for sure.

Saturday, May 21, 2011


After getting some of the funnest, most memmorable waves ever, it's now ime to leave Northern Peru because my shoulder sucks dong. I've gotta cut the surfing portion of the trip short by only a couple days. But it's cool. There's lots of great stuff to see and do in the Mira Flores neighborhood back in Lima.


So I hopped on the 10pm overnight autobus to Lima. Once again, these buses are amazing and I wasn't even on the biggest one. Double front wheels, internet, meals, and shit. Slept until they turned on the ragaetone at full blast. Made it back to Lima and was craving lunch at Burger King, which destroyed me hours later. The Rapture hit my gut just in time for my first shared-bathroom experience in Peru. I was no good at sharing last night. But that kinda thing happens while on the road. No biggie.


So now it's culture, coffee, museums, and all that art-faggy crap. Then Cusco and Macchu Pichu later this week.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

dropping swell

The swell fell off a bit today and we defintely scored again. Half the crowd, but that's not really an issue unless one of the boats drops off an insta-crowd. There's plenty of incredible waves that go unridden though, so that's not a problem either. The only real issue is the current. You enter waaaay up top and and after an easy float/paddle into position, a wave always seems to come immediately. If you make your sections, that wave can take you down most of the way. Then you just hop on another. And maybe another. I never took no more than 3 waves to ride the entire 2km. I realized today that you pretty much surf solo because of the currrent, long rides, and epic walk back up the lineup. I only saw the Dudes when we were hiking along the point and when we were in the taxi going home.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011


In one of the surfing magazines there's always a full page photo up near the front that's called "the perfect day"...or something close to that. It's always a pic of a certain break on it's perfect day. No shit? I'm fairly cetain that today was one of those days around here. 15 wave sets of 6-9+ foot, incredible sand bottom groomed and peeling all the way along the point. It even had my favorite kind of inside section with a steep wall and mellow pocket. A couple rides today were BY FAR, the longest waves I've ever ridden. EASILY 1 km, but probably closer to 2km. There was a sketchy, underpowered, overloaded, high-flying, weed-soaked boat ride and a few extended walks back to the top, then I was done. Just sat in awe untill the bros and I were ready to call it a day. And that's all I gotta say about that.

Monday, May 16, 2011

got some ying in my yang

Oh what a difference a good day surfing can make in my head. Finally scored some really nice waves in South America and I'm feelin kinda groooooooovy. The big swell that THEY were forcasting arrived right on schedule. And the crowds rejoiced! Everybody came out of hibernation for some long peeling lefts. It started off around head-high this morning, then finished off the day with 2-3 feet overhead. Some bigger sets snuck up on us. Tomorrow is supposed to a bit bigger. MIght head down the road to "the world's longest left". The wave here peels along a point at a cool steady pace...not too fast or slow. I started sitting deeper and deeper when I began to figure out the wave a bit. Confidence was riding high when the macker set rolled through and I was just lounging around the impact zone feelin stoney on the whole scene. Took a couple on da head and my shoulder held up. But seeing as my paddle is crap, right about then I thought about hopping aboard the Zodiac cruizing the lineup to get back up to the top. Sacked up instead and just dove under a few. Got a couple more then figured it was time to leave and floated/surfed/rode foam back home. It's about 2km along the cliffs and desert to get back to town. I spent the day surfing, eating, sleeping, and surfing. No pics. But hope to break out the perv lens and snap some action over the next few days.

Friday, May 13, 2011

desert conditions all around


I am total mindless whore when it comes to surfing. There is no size too small for me to surf. My current go-to board is some self-shaped, 6'2" x 22 inch wide, fat vee tailed monster, that can pick up anything. And I mean I'll fucking ride anything. I absolutely love the feeling of standing on any wave and trimmin on down the line. Even with my 7 month layoff and gimpy left paddler I still find I can get into any bump in the water. But right now, in North Central Peru, in May of the Year of Our Lord 2011, there just ain't shit coming in. Nothing. Nada. This is the first surf trip I have ever been on that I've gotten mostly skunked. A couple times to Costa Rica, Bali, El Salvador, Nicaragua, and counteless trips to Mexico that I've never had to deal with this. My cabeza is getting softer and softer. We're getting some serious down time that's really starting to getting to all of us. "Us" is me and some classic Brazlian dudes next door. Besides a couple Kiwi's, there's not many oher surfers here that don't live here. So today, after the Brazilian bros smoked their mind, we loaded up and bused ourselves an hour and a half south to Trujillo for some shopping an sightseeing. We checked out a couple malls and didn't see even 1 hot chick. Brutal. It's like a desert out here. Eventually, after more non-eventfullness during the afternoon, we eventually found the bus terminal and made it home. Big swell coming soon, but not soon enough. Godammit man, we need some waves...STAT!

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

food Vanagon


Alright, so it's not really a Vanagon, but it's still pretty cool. An old, 60's split window VW with wrap around rear windows, some kind of bubble top, a flip open side, a built-in barbeque inside, and 4 stools for you and your amigos to post up outside. I'm not sure what kind of mobile street food dude was selling, but it was definitely ultra sketch. Most of the so-called "food" around hyar, even the "restaurant" food is just terrible. At one great, little restaurant I met the owner who has most surf videos pirated and he sells them for $5 sols. That about $1.50 US Dollar. Picked up a couple I've been meaning to score. SO that's nice. I've been eating a lot of cebiche, which is supposed be incredible in Peru. Whoever tells you that is a vindictive, motherfucking LIAR. It is quite possibly the foulest, fishiest tasting fish crap ever. I'm done with it. I've given it a shot and it just didn't pan out. Gonna stick with the chaufa which is some Asian style fried rice concoction and it's everywhere. It's tollerable. Cheap, too. Surf was not very good today....again. Urge to kill rising. Stay tuned. Rage level building.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

down day

Yesterday afternoon was my first real surf here in Peru. It was really windy, blown out and choppy with a few pulses of waves mixed in. Man, this place is as windy as I've ever seen. Wind is cool as long as I can get a powerful, late take-off. That wasn't the case here. The take off zone was shifty and I wasn't guessing right much. Inside too far then outside a bit too far. I picked off a bunch and some of those were lining up really good. I'd love to see this place with some solid swell and turn off the wind machine. Looks like a big ass swell is coming around the 16th. Sounds like it will pummel Chicama with perfect conditions, so I might move over there for a few days. Today was windy as fuck, which meant a complete down day. Bored outta my mind excpet for TV, interwebs, and walking around town. My roon is 50 meters from the beach and would get leveled if a tsunami comes. It also means it's real easy to wander over to the boardwalk to check the surf or space out. I keep seeing Datsun's everywhere. B210's and shit. I must've done the same trek around this tiny little town a dozen times today. Tomorrow I surf no matter what.



Posted by Picasa

Saturday, May 7, 2011

the hand of god


Final preperations were made to begin the real surfing leg of this vacation. Including one last visit to admire the Itzhak Rabin statue at Itzhak Rabin Parque. It's on top of the big ass cliffs that overlook the beaches of Mira Flores. In order to reach the beach, I had to climb down some winding stairs and across a pedestrian bridge. I was surprised to see a park dedicated to a Jew in a highly Catholic society. It had to google it to make sure it was the same Itzak Rabin.

Then, after spending the rest of the day on the sight-seeing double decker bus, eating at KFC, and getting jacked up on Starbucks, I taxi'd over to the Bus Staion so I could embarque. We lined up for the slaughter, and I settled in for a long 12 hours.

I sat next to this little lady. God bless her soul. She looked scared shitless the whole time, like when you see someone freak out on an airplane. She didn't stop praying the entire time. Excpet when I snapped this pic of my five head and her resting her rosary praying thumbs. Amazingly we arrived an hour earlier than I thought...thank you baby jesus.

I'd like to give my traveling partner all the credit for some excellent praying because we made it in safe and sound. I slept for maybe 3 or 4 hours, but it was good. Stoked to get into town and find a deal at Hotel Los Faroles. And it sits directly under the outstretched left hand of Jesus Christ himself.

Posted by Picasa

Thursday, May 5, 2011

via Cruz Del Sur

At this time tomorrow I should be arriving up north in a little fishing city called Pacasmayo. I'm taking an overnight bus where the seats fold down like giant Lazy Boys. I hear there's a waiter, booze, and movies to kill the time. Plus I've got my buddy, Ambien along for the ride. We board the bus in Lima at 8pm and roll into town at around 8am. I've met a few random surfers around here who all seem to be stoked on it's wave. It sounds like it's super consistent and really fun from gut to over-head high. Although, in this country, the average "head high" day would be 5'6". The wave is supposed to be ridiculously long, too. But for now, I'm sitting in a Starfucks across from this giant park, old ornate church, and fancy government building of some kind. It's the first time in a very long time that I haven't jonzed for surf or shred every second of the day. Usually it's an overwhelming urge at all times. But right now, for the last couple days, I'm okay with just people watchin(code for pervin) and hanging out. Maybe it's cuz I know I've got plenty of surf coming soon. Maybe I'm just injured enough. Or maybe I'm growing up.
Posted by Picasa

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Jedi Travel

Holy shit, I used the wrong travel agent. Who knows where I'd be and how I got there if I'd booked through Jedi Travel. But I made it here anyway. After a mellow 4:30 am drive from Santa Barbara to LAX I hopped on Copa Air's Millenium Falcon for 10 hours and arrived in Lima. It's fucking perfect here. Not too hot/not too cold. Not sunny/sunny enough. Love this place already. Today I'm a Got up at the crack of 10 and cruized down to the center of Mira Fores for my morning up of Loudmouth Stew at Starbucks. People watched, ate some pizza, then went for a surf. Nothing to write home about, but fun none the less. My upper left vajayjay seems to be holding up. The paddle out wasn't tough by any means, but there were some duck dives and lots of paddling involved. Right now I'm staying in a room for $30 that has hot water, cable TV, a comfy bed, and internets. That's too much. Way too much. Tomorrow I'll need to figure out which overnight bus to Pacasmayo I need to take. Then it's north, for the real part of this dirtbag, sloth vacation.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

the confusion sets in

Here I sit wobbly at my Motel 6 desk getting prepared for my flight out of reality at 9:21 am manana. I'm filled with Ambien and a tall tin can of the High Life. Plus a little background vicoden, all for medicinal purposes. The Ambien is really taking a firm grip on my synapses and I'm moments from sleep. But before I'm out and therefore off, I just want to post up a couple randoms from the last few days of surf and chill in Santa Barbara. Coming back here has been great. It's just an amazingly beautiful area with beaches, wind, sun, nature, and a few good people. Quitting my rotten desk job last year has been great and I have no regrets. It's been a long time since i've felt so alive. I'm chasing a bunch of experiences that I've always wanted to check out. And it's been wonderful to see and do all these things on my "list". I've et some rad people along the way and keep in touch with several that I really cherish.

Some of the shit is a little peligro, but I'm no hellman. Just a pussy really. The injuries, surgeries, and antibiotics speak for themselves. Rebuild me so I can come back bigger, faster, stronger, poorer, and doughier. At least I (temporarily) have the balls and curiousity to check shit out and steer WAAY clear of the cliche bullshit life. I'm super confused about what I want to do with my life, yet I'm 100% confident in the way to proceed through life. It's a little lonely at times, but it usually works out when I least expect it.

Ryan Lovelace is one of my favorite success stories and he barely knows it. He shapes surfboard without ego or limitations like most old shapers. Maybe it's because he's 24 going on 25. After a recent business learning experience he's setting up shop in an awesome old greenhouse on an unbelievable property. As if he doesn't have enough legal and career headaches, he's gonna live my dream of fixing up an Airstream to live in and thrive closer to nature. Bueno suerte, amigo. You've got loads of work ahead, but you're well on your way while doing everything right. You'll have way less regret when you get to be my age.

Now I'm gonna roll off and into the sloth pit knowin that I'll never run into Bin Laden in any dark ally.