Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice

I think some asshole at THE ONION has been reading my mind. Everything about this is accurate, except that I stand up for my burrito rights at each step. And I enver reach over the glas snot shield.

CHIPOTLE—In a lunchtime incident significant enough to warrant you pause, an employee at the fast food Mexican restaurant Chipotle has just dispensed to you a smaller serving of rice than the customer ahead of you.
Though it appears likely the less-generous helping of rice was a simple oversight on the part of the employee, and was in no way a personal slight against you, you reportedly cannot help but think that you deserve just as much rice in your burrito as any other paying customer.
Since noticing the rice disparity moments ago, you have considered a number of tactics to rectify the situation, including hesitating slightly before advancing to the beans and meat in order to convey your concern; staring intently at the other burrito in hopes of drawing attention to its incongruent size; and simply asking the Chipotle employee for a little more rice.
Witnesses at the scene are currently waiting for you to move down the line.
"Black beans or pinto?" the employee has just now asked you, seemingly unaware of the heaping amount of rice spilling forth from the tortilla only 18 inches to the left of yours. "Sir?"
Adding to your frustration are new reports that the customer behind you has received the same amount of rice as the customer ahead of you, thereby confirming your suspicion of wrongdoing. However, if an earlier incident at the coffee shop or yesterday's conversation with your landlord are any indication, you are expected to take this lying down, like you always do.
Your meek body language and resigned facial expression also suggest a high probability of inaction on your part, possibly owing to your fear of "causing a scene" in front of a bunch of strangers whom you will never see again and who would undoubtedly side with you had they seen the uneven rice distribution. A mental catalog of past Chipotle experiences currently racing through your head—including that time the woman gave you spicy salsa when you specifically asked for mild—likewise supports the belief that you are going to get screwed yet again.
"Peppers and onions?" the employee has asked, your burrito moving irrevocably further from the rice station.
As the opportunities for additional rice become bleaker, you have resorted to communicating your displeasure in a number of passive-aggressive ways. These include glaring at the employee when he looks away and providing somewhat curt burrito-filling instructions, such as "Chicken" and "Yes, pinto beans," in an apparent hope that your cold tone of voice will make him realize that a terrible mistake has been committed.
So far, however, none of these tactics has caused the Chipotle employee to look down at the burrito next to yours, notice the startling imbalance in rice, apologize profusely, and fill your burrito accordingly.
More shockingly, birth records indicate that you are a full-grown adult presumably capable of communicating your thoughts and desires to an unthreatening 19-year-old burrito-assembler. Yet you reportedly continue to avoid even the most minor confrontation, despite the ramifications it may have on your upcoming sour cream and cheese allocation.
If consulted, the Chipotle employee manual would surely verify that this is a clear breach of company policy, which dictates that a scoop and a half of rice be provided to every customer regardless of age, race, or inexcusable cowardice. Therefore, all sources confirm that you should stop acting like a little bitch who allows the entire world to walk all over him and just say something already.
"How's the rice today, good?" you ask in a pathetic attempt at sarcasm that draws only a slight nod from the employee and does nothing whatsoever to achieve rice equity. "Mild salsa please. No, mil—yes, that's fine."
As of press time the opportunity to demand more rice is long past, and the flour tortilla has been handed off to the employee responsible for adding the final garnishes of corn, tomatoes, and—holy shit, look how much guacamole that fucking woman is getting.

on deck

Who's next you ask? They always die in groups of 3? So far we have 5...Ed McMahon, Farrah, MJ, Billy Mays, and Gale Storm, but who's counting. I'm typing as fast as I can because we have a couple on deck....Patrick Swayze or Ted Kennedy. Either one could go at any second. In the fall of 1998, I was living the good life in Sun Valley, Idaho. One day I stepped out of my house and was heading towards the coffe shop, then the gym. An official-looking American car was outside my house and the window rolled down. Some giant, pillowy fat guy asked me directions to the gym. I pointed it was down my street about 5 blocks. I said I was on my way there in a few and he politely asked if I wanted a ride. I declined. As he drove off I realized it was Ted Kennedy. I don't think he knew there was no fried food or whiskey at the athletic club. Good thing I declined or I might've ended up like Mary Jo Kopechne. Although big bad boozing Ted's been fat and in ill health since the late 60's, my money's on Bohdi. Pancreatic cancer is a mother fucker. One of my all-time favorite bros, Tom Montgomery, died of it. He was the radest, healthiest, stud, triathlete, cardio freak, good guy, ex-Marine ever. One day uber healthy-then cancer-then gone 6 months later.

Swayze says cancer schmancer and keeps smoking...

Kennedy's driving skills....

Monday, June 29, 2009

The Week In Death

Dammit man, the Grim Reaper's snatching up celebrity's all over the place. The screaming fullbeard that was also known as Billy Mays was found dead in his Florida home yesterday. He had 50 short years of yelling and selling. The candle that burns twice as bright burns half as long. In a cage match with that Sham Wow guy, my money's on Billy Mays. I'll bet St Peter's already sprucing up the Pearly Gates with some Oxy Clean, Zorbeez, and elbow grease.

Friday, June 26, 2009

Given the choice, I'd rather practice my Thriller dance routine instead of dropping the soap. But I'd be so pissed if the warden made me be the chick. So degrading.

Thursday, June 25, 2009


Today is quite a sad day for celebrity deaths. First it was the beautiful, sweet Farrah. Now it's crazy ol Michael Jackson. Apparently this afternoon, he lost his battle to stay above ground and is moonwalking his way up to St Peter any minute now. For those of who don't sit a desk all day, you can read everything we know so far at TMZ. He died in an LA hospital of a heart attack. We didn't see that one coming. The guy had some problems, but it woulda been awesome if he could've made his comback. He was scheduled for 50 sold out shows in London starting in a couple weeks. It was reported that he was gonna earn at least $250 million. I must've been in about 5th grade when that Thriller crap came out. Everybody bought it except for me because I was never a Michael Jackson fan. But it's a sad day anyway. One cool thing about Jacko is that when he was normal looking, he owned a pet monkey named Bubbles. He used to dress him up in overalls and carry the hairy little bastard around. I think that's pretty neat.

Jill Monroe

Farrah Fawcett died today. So lame. I don't know if I was more in love with her, Heather Thomas, or Phoebe Cates as a little dude.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009


Hey friend. I've been in some kind of a funk for a while and I can't figure out what's going on. I've been really calm and mellow, where I don't really need much to be happy. I've just been content and cruising right along. Also, and most alarming, is I've been swearing a lot less these days and my general rage is gone. Not really sure what's the deal. I like that rage. It keeps me frothing. It motivates me. It could have something to do with Adam Carolla not on the air anymore, so I don't notice my rage as much. Maybe it's because I've been getting in a shit ton of surfing, yoga, kung fu, and kickboxing. I dunno. Things are good and I'm at peace with everything right now....work's great, El Nino should be bringing some good waves, cool shit is in the works for side projects, bought a new Subaru OutDildo, got a couple bucks in the bank for vacation, and all is well. Been on a couple dates but I ain't getting any lovin, so I should be rippin off tiger's heads. Today I realized that my HATE/RAGE LEVEL is at an all time low...and it's kinda scarey. Usually, when things are going great in my life, something takes a giant shit on me. Let me correct myself...something ALWAYS fucks up. My health, job, chick, whatever. Great! What's it gonna be this time? FUCK!

"3 seconds for the normal pers......"

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

The best for your wick

It was like pulling teeth, but I finally got some candles approved and produced. We're just finishing up the first batch today. Well, in all honesty, not "we", but more like the warehouse amigos. Strawberry, grape, and coconut. Ask for them at your local shred shop. They'll mask the stench of the dankest-of-dank and help stinky dudes get some lovin.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Rohg Weyv

On June 27th, you can go to the faggot-ass Warped Tour in Ventura or the opening night reception for Rogue Wave:A Survey of Contemporary Surf Art at the Anderson Art Collective in Carpenisteria, California. Should be some rad stuff that'll twist your fucking mind, man. Mixed between sharks, skulls, and surfboards I predict cool haircuts, tight pants, indoor beanies, reach arounds, and glad slapping. I'm there, bud.

Friday, June 19, 2009

Happy Solstice weekend

My cuntputer took a shit on me, so there's been a stretch of boring posts from work. My camera won't work with the Zog Industries 1999 technology. So what I've been posting has also been a mis-mash of crap. Lots of random going on around here but nothing really exciting to anybody except myself. Whatever. Don't read it. There hasn't even been much rage or anger to report. I even spent all day yesterday (12 hours) battling LA traffic and didn't throw shit or yell at one dude. Amazing restraint. Just a bunch of really boring, day-to-day shit. About the only thing to talk about is surf. I've been surfing lots over the last week, and I'm kind of surfed out. My buddy Duffy brought me to The Ranch last sunday. It was windy as hell, and pretty junky up on the north end, so we drove south down the beach to one of the weakest waves out there, Bullito. It was awesome. It was going off. We had as many gut/titty-high peelers as we wanted and it was all to ourselves...and Josh Farberow. He wasn't surfing but his chick was. Then on monday I surfed kick-ass head-high C-Street. Lots of ass clowns in the water, so I took everything that came my way. It was grinding on the inside, right above the bathroom. I shoulda pulled off many waves, but for some reason, I just kept going for it on every goddamm one. Not 1 graceful exit. There's been lots o surf all week long, but nothing epic. We'll see what the weekend brings. If I can get my ass off the couch, I'd like to check out the Santa Barbara Solstice parade. Freaks, hippys, and naked peeps.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Old people

Watch out for the speculum...

Sunday, June 7, 2009


According to the State of California my van was a GROSS POLLUTER. But that all changed with $800 worth of swearing, threats, contempt, tuneups, and a cata-fucking-litic converter. Then, last week I took her down to the local shop and got her smogged. The Holy Saint Selena looked on as it's ass was backed up onto the dyno for testing. Apparently I've got 493 horsepower and 516 ft/lbs of torque. Shocking. Then a short 20 minutes later the numbers were crunched and I passed the test. End of story for 2 more years.

Friday, June 5, 2009

They killed Kwai Chang Kain

Poor David Carradine. For somebody so respected, he died such a lame way in a Thai hotelroom. His neck and junk were tied together? Probably by himself? Really? People still do that? Haven't they heard of INX-FUCKING-S? Where do you learn that shit in the first place? He was in Thailand for fuck sake. Don't they have a spare hooker anywhere? Dammit buddy. Get yer shit together. I've said it a thousand times before, and I'll say it again.....

**Interesting fact-Frantisek Kotzwara was the first person recorded to die from erotic assfixiation in 1791. Isn't that neat for his family tree.

**Interesting Quote-Confusius say...Man who goes through airport turnstyle sideways, going to Bangkok.

Not David Carradine....

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

loggin in

That 9'4" Dewey Weber is AWESOME! There was a mini sesh last night at Rincon where I got to give it a first ride. I got a bunch of waist high waves, and there was actually a couple gut high waves. I was the only dork in the rivermouth. Really fun for June 2nd. It's a big ol log, man. I can barely get my arm around it.. and I've got long arms, ladies. It's wide and big as fuck. I never noseride, but I'm sure I'll start. With the combo of the giant hatchet fin and the massive aircraft carrier-like deck, I'll be cross-steppin the shit outta this thing. Blogs are stupid if they don't include pix. I don't have any pix of the sesh, cuz I was shreddin, so here's a picture of the incredi Megan Fox...

Monday, June 1, 2009

Scam Now

"punch it like you're punching a midget...you little bastard"