Hold the pickles and mayo, EXTRA blue pills please
What's the only thingy that can make a delicious flame-broiled Double Whopper more incredible? Correct answer....pharmceuticals. Good thinking Jacksonville Florida. I'm not exactly sure why dude would just randomly mellow people out, but Bernard Duclos is a misunderstood genius. Instead of some sort of Nobel Culinary Prize, they're sending him to the slammer. Fuck the POLICE!
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Movie Review: The Karate Kid 2010
So you've got the Will Smith's little shithead kid moving to China and getting his ass kicked and backpack emptied by Commie Thugs. He's getting pummeled because the first day in-country the little dude gets a case of the Asian Flu for a trampy little local vixen. Then the maintenance man gets all Jackie Chan and trains our hero. At the climax Kung Fu Championships, the good guy wins and the bad guys want to be him. And he gets a pretty cool trophy.
I only saw this movie because I needed to kill some time and get my mind off things. It was actually a good time killer and I enjoyed it. Some solid fight scenes and funny shit, plus the Kung Fu seems as legit as anything Hollywood can bring. Needed some William Zabke, brief nudity, and more Cobras.
Saturday, June 26, 2010
As GW would say..."mission accomplished". A job, TRUELY, well done. Every task on my list from yesterday was completed. And at nearly the exact time I had predicted. But I forgot to include several things such as sweat like a whore in church, hunker down in LA traffic, use offramps and onramps as passing lanes, eat at Quiznos, make good coinage, sweat even more heavily, and see my roommate naked. All in all, pretty amazing day with a huge list of accomplishments. Didn't surf, though. There was way too much texture on the ocean and I didn't see waves anywhere. Looked like that Hurricane Cecelia was pushing some weirdness our way. Maybe tomorrow. Woulda been a lot cooler if I did have a chance to play in the waves all day. Like the hippies in the video below. It's some old Super 8 video from the way back. I was pumped on the wave at 5:20. It's so cool that dudes took the time to drag a ricket old camera down to the beach and document their bros riding waves in the olden days. Apparently, when filming during 1975-1980, keeping the horizon level wasn't important. Probably everybody was too stoned to bajesus to even care, man.
Friday, June 25, 2010
This weekend looks fucked.
6-9 Deliver Bentley Superconvertible from Santa Barbara to Palm Desert.
9-10 Get rental car piece of shit. Shove some food in face.
10-2 Drive crappy car from PD to Summerland barn.
1-2 Stop by Patagonia Board Swap in Vetura if time permits.
2 Trade rental piece of shit for big truck.
2-4 Load truck with 20+ cases of wine in Montecito. Deliver to dowtown storage
4-? Surf or bike or sleep.
?-? Go back to barn. Switch back to POS rental. Drop off at Hertz.
?-? Figure out where my car is and pick it up.
?-? Pack the rest of my own shit and get ready to move sunday.
Am-Pm Load truck many times with my shit and deliver to new condo.
? Clean old stupid apartment.
? Surf or bike or sleep.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Fuck soccer. That flopping around shits so lame. And I'm an American. A real sport to me is something more like the subtle art of bike racing. The month-long bicycling Super Bowl (AKA The Tour de France) is fast approaching. I'm checking the route this morning and notice something super rad....they climb the gnarly Toumalet two times from both sides. Like a Col de Tourmalet double penetration. Both of these massive days of climbing will be wedged around a rest day (AKA The Taint) so there should be some epic dueling. And it's happening on stages 17 and 18, right before the final time trial. That means the contenders will have to throw everything at the climbs to still be in the hunt during the time trial. No sandbaggin. Every rider is REALLY gonna need their performance enhancing drugs big time. Especially Old Man Armstrong. Oh geez. The final week is gonna be so sick, I'm about to get my O-Face just thinking about all this.
Monday, June 21, 2010
It's monday. 10:37 am. This means I'm pretty much done with my work responsibilities for the week. I'm now beginning the shit talkin around the webs. Recently I peeped a pic of a certain cyber bro and was amazed at his ability to grow facial hair. Which led me to google "chinstrap" pictures. I've been laughin my ass off. If I could grow hair on my face, I'd make it look ridiculous all the time. Just for the fun of it. I've had to weed through a bunch of penguin pics, but there's a crapload of funny chistrap pics. Who knew?
Sunday, June 20, 2010
International Day To Get Your Fucking Surf On 2010 was today. I was unstoppable and slashed from 9am-8pm, only breaking for water and sustenance once. Nah, just kidding. This morning I went on a hilly, 50 mile bike ride and forgot to eat much food before I left. The spandexing went great, I climbed like a waterbuffalo. But I ran out of fuel shortly after finishing. So I rushed to Little Alex's and stuffed a quesadilla in the pie hole, and cruized to my favorite little surf spot. Got a couple hours of fun, windswell waves, but I was completely fucking out of my mind. My glycogen level was all jacked up or something. I had to pull up some sand and take a sloth for a while, but It didn't work very well. My rally was unsuccessful and I went home to watch an evening movie. But at least I got a little surf on ISD.
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Found some mystery neighborhood painting down at the beach today. It was attached to some useless 4x4 sticking outta the ground. This is at least the second time this week that I've run across some random, guerilla style shit. I can't remember where the other one was located, but it was some painting nailed to the bottom of some STOP sign. Santa Barbara needs more funk. Good stuff.
Friday, June 18, 2010
Today's post is dedicated to The Boss and especially A-Man, who asked for a peek of my screensaver which was slightly visable yesterday. It's a vintage snapshot of my shredtastic life circa 1996. That's my original 1986 4x4 Starcruizer parked outside my home in Ketchum, Idaho. There was a couple years in the mid 90's where I couldn't figure out what board to ride. I wasn't really stoked on anything after my Joyride Carwash, so there's probably a Burton Custom or some Salomon Piece of Shit laying around inside. I rode Customs for a few years out of default. I can fucking guarantee there's some Northwave Apollo boots drying off inside the house. Those were the best boots I ever owned. From the amount of snow on the roof of the house and rig, I'd bet it was around Christmas. Looks like winter is really beginning. I think that was the year we had something like 30 badass powder days before Christmas and were kind of sick of shoveling snow. That's a good problem. The house was called The Pink House because the entry, living room, and kitchen were painted pink by some previous tenents. It was like living inside a giant vajay jay. I loved that house. The only reason I moved out was because I left town at the end of the winter to move back to the big city. But I couldn't handle it and was back in Idaho just in time for shred season in the fall.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
What do you get when a TransVan humps a Monster Truck? Probably something that's retarded and likes bean bombs. But I'm sure it's something TOTALLY AWESOME! Something like the World's Greatest Surfmobile. Or maybe just the World's Biggest Money Pit. I dunno. Could be worth taking a risk. Dude advertises that it comes with a spare tire. Seems legit. Do you feel lucky? Well, do ya punk?
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Every few years, when I need to quickly save mass quantitites of cash I enter The Heeb Mode. My Jew buddy Mike is the guy that coined that phrase, so don't get all Mossad on me. The HM is a blast of hardcore money saving. It's basically all about getting the Brown Recluse Purchasing Department to hunker down and spend no dough. Enough with buying too many surfboards already. It's all about baloney sandos, PB&J, Top Ramen, water, and brewing my own coffee. Time to go through my shit and Ebay like a motherfucker. I've got a Vintage 1990 pink Klein Rascal with the original Rock Shox rs-1 fork that is a goner. I'm gonna ride my other bikes to save gas money. Anything I can do save even $1 today will buy more Bintang later.
Monday, June 14, 2010
Jimmie Dean was a great man. I ate his meat all the time. His meat tasted really good. I stuffed my face with his sausage, and his meat logs were expecially good when camping in nature. You can't beat Jimmie's meat. Poor Jimmie is gone now. But he lives forever in my heart in the form of colesterol and delicious artery clogging plaque. Thank you Jimmie.
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Jesus christ, my hatred for watching soccer knows no ends. I hate even typing the fucking word. I love playing it, but I can't fake any kind of excitement long enough to saddle up at my local dive bar and get wasted watching soccer. Nothing good about watching it, unless you're getting a hummer at the same time. And then, once that's done, flip the channel. Quit fooling eur-o-selves. Absolutely it's THE FUCKING WORST SPECTATOR SPORT IN THE ENTIRE FUCKING WORLD! I haven't made an children yet simply because then I'd be forced to go and watch their soccer games. After a wannabe hooligan coworker at an Italian joint up in Seattle complained that Americans need to watch more soccer, I politely stated that it's FUCKING BORING, ASSHOLE. Why? Because these professional crysacks, they never score. They each get billions of Lira and a Spice Girl, but they can't make a stinkin goal each and ever game. What if Kobe scored every 5th game? Shoot the ball and make more goals. NIL to NIL is no way to end competition, you fags. Then I suggested, if these professionals can't make a single goal each game, make the goals bigger so the final score is something like 45-38. If that doesn't work...naked chicks. Titties everywhere. Boobies. Boobies. Boobies. That's it. That's the only way to save soccer in Amurica.
Final score of today's USA VS ENGLAND...1-1. Nobody won. Good job getting back to where you started ladies.
The Brown Recluse tending goal in about 1980...
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
I had a really good convo last night with Snowone about getting old, being broken down, warm water vacations, chicks, and shredding. Seems he's having a similar mid-life inspection as myself, but he's only 35. Give it 5 years brotha, it only gets worse. I'm turning 40 in the fall. Already? Shouldn't I be something more? I'm still waiting to figure out what I'm going to do with my life while every asshole my age has a family and owns their home. Oh well, I've got some kick ass surfboards, a road bike, and a Lazy Boy. Mentally I feel like I'm still a drunken 18 year old, but my whole body is breaking down at an alarming rate. I may not even be walking by the time I'm 50. My fake hip will probably need a revision in about 5 years and who knows what will happen with that recovery. So I'm going to start my mid life crisis today. Today is the start of The Decade of Mid Life Crisis Hefe. And I will continue throughout my roaring 40's, unless I'm confined to a wheelchair, colostomy bag, or adult diaper. Every penny and spare moment will be spent pursuing surf and shred....or slothing in front of TV. I'm gonna surf and shred everywhere I've always wanted. Kinda like a bucket list for future gimps. Pavones, Bali, Peru, and Indo to name just a few. This morning I called to get a price for a flight to Bali October 8-25. It's ON!
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
All hail the incredible, fat free, Hayden Pantanilierenelou. Or something like that. She's got some great chompers. I ran across (googled) some 600zoom beach pics this morning and found myself still studying them a good 10 minutes later. God bless you stalking paparaatziolitzi.
Monday, June 7, 2010
After a coffee and a duke, I cruized down to my favorite little beach on saturday to kill some time before knocking out the weekend to-do list. Good thing I always have a couple boards in the Lezmobile, cuz it was pumpin. The sand was groomed to perfection from few weeks of flatness, and the crowd was thin. About 4 dudes out when I first arrived. I sat in a shit ton of gut-chest high pockets, with the occasional bigger sets. Lots of head high goodness and everything in between. Although this particular wave isn't known for being fast, it was haulin some serious ass, it was screamin. Late drops and haul ass was all I wanted to do. Not sure how many waves I picked off, but I'm certain that I didn't make more than a single turn on any wave. I'm still stuck in the joy of locking into a pocket and staying there. Draggin my hand and mini-pumping along. I mostly rode the last board I shapped. It's like my women...fat, short and stubby with a turned up nose...something like 6'3" x 22ish x 2&3/4. It's got a bit of nose rocker, but I didn't do a good job of thinning out the rails or tail, so it doesn't like to get on rail much. It and I really likes late takeoffs, deeper the better. As the day wore on, the crowd showed up. Got burned repeatedly by one kid and his dad so I had to start burning in retaliation. Gotcha bitch! Much of the same on Sunday, just more peeps and less burning. Then the Lakers game started and the lineup was empty. Great way to end a sunday. The best news is that all the waves kept me out of spandex and off the bike for an entire weekend. Good times.
Friday, June 4, 2010
All I need is my passport and my wallet. And a surfboard. I'll need my passport, wallet, and a surfboard, that's all. And some board shorts...the passport, wallet, surfboard, and boardshorts. That's it. That's all I need. And some barrels. My passport, wallet, a surfboard, board shorts, and some barrels. But nothing else. Except maybe a travel buddy. So I need my passport, wallet, surfboard, boardshorts and a travel buddy to watch each other get pitted so pitted. BUT THAT'S IT!
The new passport's here!
The new passport's here!!
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Sometimes I get bored at work. Let me rephrase that...it's boring as fuck around here all the time. So I spend the day around the webs searching for things to make myself laugh and maybe learn a little. Let me rephrase that...I check out youtube all day long. Here's today best find...so far.
I scored this find late in the day...
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Somehow, I've struggled through 7 long months without the warming glow of TV. It hasn't been something I wanted to do, it's just kind of happened that way. Living with an anti-everything chick that's especially anti-idiotbox yet she rents TV show DVDs is the main reason. But really, I'm too fucking busy/lazy to wait around the crapartment for some inbred to come over and hook it up. It's just not on my list of priorities. So it's been a few months of reading and catching up on classic flicks from my local, independent video store. I hope this insanity ends soon becasue the Tour de France begins July 3rd. Can't wait to sloth in front of a TV again and see what I've been missing. Soon.