Friday, January 30, 2009

DeTemple was here

Yesterday I was enjoyin our 80 degree weather and chowin down on a cali roll at some random little teriyaki stand in San Clemente. I'm chillin and planning my attack at my next shop when I happen to look down at the edge of the table for some reason. Apparently, Mikey DeTemple had been there. So he decided bust out a knife and vandalize the fucking table. Florida reprezent, bitches. The funny thing is that I think this is the first time I've seen graffiti from somebody I know in a totally random location. Good times, Mikey. Can't wait for his new video, Picaresque....

Picaresque Trailer 2009 from High Seas Films on Vimeo.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Failure To Launch

From the Griffey, A-Rod, and Steroid Years....

Watch out for that dude on your left!

My 40-year-old brother is definitely NOT listening to Tom Lykis these days. Apparently, yesterday he popped the question to his girlfriend. And she said YES. Congrats bro. I guess I'll need to rustle up the number for the infamous Lick Sisters in Porkland. Now he just needs to move out of my mom's house before the honeymoon. Here's a little tribute to the good old days.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

a nice 25 cent crap

Sometimes it's a battle to find a place to take an emergency dump, and it becomes a comedy of bullshit to tackle this job. Today was one of those days. And I'm a warrior. First thing this morning, it's absolutely beautiful and I'm driving the delivery van heading south towards LA. Coffee, Adam Corolla, and a mellow drive. I'm looking forward a nice day on the road spacing out, cuttin people off, stopping short, and makin enemies. First stop is in Port Hueneme, aka Point My Weenie. Point Hueneme Food Mart isn't open just yet, which is a good thing cuz I'm percolating man. Coffee is workin it's magic.

No time to doddle, so I jam across the parking lot to Subway. Dude is right inside the door so I couldn't just sneak in and mysto destroy. So in my nicest delivery guy voice, I ask Hamed to use his shitter. No dice. He scowls and points me out the door and towards Wendy's Hamburgers. Strike 1.

I squirt over to Wendy's, but Wendy's Fine Dining Room isn't open, just the drive thru. Strike 2.

I pucker, grunt, then turn and notice a coffee shop. Ah HAH! It's gotta be coffee shop law to have a shiter. People who drink delicious coffee take dumps. Nope, not here in f-ing Port Hueneme. Strike 3....Bitch with zits behind the counter says, "Our bathrooms aren't public, but if it's an emergency I could pull strings, walk you into the back, and open the vault, wait so I can help the 10 people in line first". Fuck you, bitch. I don't need your pity, just a toilet and a couple minutes of peace. And FUCK YOU ANACRAPUCCINO in Port Hueneme. Rot in hell. If you ever need my bathroom in any emergency situation, I'll punch you firmly in the gut. FUUUUUUUCK YOU!

Luckily for them, and my shorts, there's a laundromat front door 10 feet away. And it's open. Whoopie! Good timing. There's something growin inside and I need to rid myself asap. Any second now, I'm gonna start growing a tail. So I plow through the doors, scope the bathroom in back, knock little-old-ladies over, and make it in the knick of time.

At this point, the fact that I had to get some quarters and pay 25 cents to use their crapper is just perfect.

I'd expect nothing less. I'm gonna vandalize this fucker and it only costs me 25 cents.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Punching the Caveman

A rare Belarussian caveman falls from the sky at 1:59 left in the first round or 3:33 into the youtube clip.

Saturday, January 24, 2009

New 9 iron

I just got home from watching the Affliction fights live from Anaheim. Fedor Emelianenko is the baddest mother fucker on the plant. Andrei Orlavski went for a flying knee but Fedor caught him with a one-punch-knockout right cross in mid air. Dude fell flat on his face, KO'd. You owe it to yourself to find it on youtube if you missed it.

Oh, and I picked up my bitchin new shred stick today from Point Concept Surfboards. Test ride hopefully tomorrow if I can find some fins. Might have to give it a go as a single fin for now. Today was so much fun. I cruized on down to my local point/reef break here in Montecito with my 7'0" single fin for a mid day sesh. It got really zippy once the tide dropped and the rocky reef started showing. A couple snaps and made some really fun sections. And there was some power behind em. Mostly head high with a few bigger sets sending people scratching. The weather was less like California and more like surfing in Washington. Gloomy, cold air, chilly water, rain showers, and just raw nature shit. Hood, gloves, and booty weather. I had no hood, gloves, or booties. Hands clawed up real good. The walk back home was frigid. It's good to feel alive.

Friday, January 23, 2009

Battery powered hot dog

Da Menace draws things. Bildo Sandwichs, Tuna Cans, Battery Powered Hot Dogs, and Double Dildos make the rounds on the innerweb from time to time. They always makes me laugh. Today I got what I'm calling "Foot Long". Happy friday.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Nature's scrubby brush

All hail the mighty Colon Cleanse. I jumped back on the Double Cee starting last night. Time to clean the system and get back on track. The mighty CC digs into the wrinkles and scrubs the insides. 2-4 scoops a day at random times. I like to down a glass first thing in the morning and one at the end of the day. That way it surrounds everything with fiber. TAPERED on both ends, if you know what I mean. In 2 weeks or less, I'll be able to see farther, hear better, think clearer, lift heavy objects, and jump higher. I'll even be smiling at strangers. One of these days I'm gonna print a Team CC t-shirt with the same picture of the colon as on the label. Elvis died with 60 pounds of impacted sludge in his colon. I don't wanna be that guy.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009


Even with the shitty economy, unemployement sounds awesome right now after all these killer waves that are pummeling Santa Barbara. I've been gettin some really fun surf, but not nearly enough. Just some mini sesh's. On sunday I raced from the airport and caught a few. On monday, my co-workers told me to leave the office cuz I was whining too much about how great the surf looks. The plan worked and I got some Hammonds with about 40 other dudes. And a little dawn patrol. But not much good, solid beach time. I've been busy as fuck with work and I just can't break away. And it's only gonna get busier for another week and a half. Then it's game on and I can slack for a few months. I hope I make it.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

SEXPO 2009

Selling pit...

Please pass the coke...


Yummy butter...


Orlando is blessed with low elevation, gators, coastal hillbillies, chain restaurants, Def Leppard in heavy rotation, nasty-hot chicks, and a hell of a convention center. The convention center is why Surf Expo is held there every January. The rest are just bonuses of coming to such a rad city. I was fortunate enough to board a plane at 5:30 am last wednesday so I could spend 5 days indoors standing in place and talking to everybody about everything. There was plenty of comedy like listening to some retard piss next to Manny from the Wildboyz and try to sell him on a great new idea to build his exposure. Some squatty pigmy security dude that was cruizing around on a Segway like Paul Blart. Our room was the Coke And Hooker Suite from the set of Miami Vice. Erick ate butter as an appetizer cuz he was hungry. Dude's eating habits would cripple Billdo. I could go on and on. Maybe I'll link some vids together when I get some time. Plus I won $50 from slots at the Vegass aeropuerto during the layover. It was good to come home and get a couple hours of surf in before the busy week coming up.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

New chompers

Out with the old...

...and in with the new!

While sparring a few weeks ago, I took a weak shot upside the grill that stung me more than I originally thought. Turns out that sneaky left hook sent me to the dentist with a fucked up bridge. Hahaha Jeff's wallet, you're now $1500 lighter. I guess that's more incentive to move a little quiker and NOT hit that fist with my face. They're 3 of my front teeth so it's kind of important to have them. One side of the trifecta had popped off it's post and was kind of dangling by a thread. Until yesterday... when I got my new temporary bridge. I get the real deal in about a month. Let's see if this one last another 20 years.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Quinn Airlines

After my shitty surfing yesterday, I don't deserve to be anywhere near waves today. Man, I sucked beyond belief yesterday. It was one of those surfs that just stings, and I've been questioning myself all day. Good thing I had a fun little side gig lined up for today. My mission was to trade out my 87 Toyota Starcruizer for 2008 Bentley Continental GT convertible and deliver it to Palm Desert with a trunk full of about 20 kilos of coke. No questions asked! Just kidding, there was no coke...just a couple hookers. The thing has 602 twin turbo'ed horses under the hood and a top speed of 203mph. I may or may not have made it well over haf way to its top speed. It feels like you're in a overpowered leather Lazy Boy at warp speed. This is one fine rig that I'd sell in a heartbeat then buy a solid bluewater cruiser, some board shorts, sunscreen, several vicodens, a water tight vicoden container, some back up vicoden, a floppy hat, and a map to Indo. But I'm getting ahead of myself because I can't buy the wiper blades on this UberBentley unless I win the lottery. Oh, after I dropped off the car, I bronzed for while then piled into Quinn Air for a quick private flight home. All in a day's work, I guess.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

The freak foam flyin

Ryan's outline

Mow job

Let there be wings

The Weirdness

Man there's a lot of freaky shapin going down at Ryan Lovelace's highly-organized Point Concept Surfboards. Weird boards stacked everywhere. Hullish fish, fishy hulls, twinnies, convexing concaves, Simmon's thingamajigs, and corky hully things to name a few. So who better to make my new shred stick. I gave a couple ideas, but pretty much put it in Ryan's hands. What we ended up with is a 6'4" double winged, 2+1 squash tail. I stood around on cold cement and snapped some pics of the process and the bros hangin. I then went to Rincon and had the worst surf in recorded history. Even fat little retarded kids were surfing better than me. Some ying for my saturday yang, I guess.

Friday, January 9, 2009

Bacon merkin

GMAC Financial Services on Friday announced that Chairman J. Ezra Merkin is stepping down effective immediately.
His name is Merkin? Did they say Merkin? Your kidding me? Mr Merkin? That made my day. Google that shit. This is great stuff. Happy friday.

This weekend is looking to be all-time. There's gonna be some coffee drinking, hand shaking, designing, shaping, documenting, standing back and admiring, eatin, surfing, kickboxing, driving a 1/4 million dollar Bentley to Palm Desert, private jet boarding, and plotting the domination of the Santa Barbara surf scene with some really cool peeps. Just need to add a little lovin to make it Best Weekend Ever.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Doce Dias de los Dio

Let the countdown begin. It's only 12 short days until our Hawaiian body-surfing Messia's first full day on the jobby job. The closer we get to the inaguration, the worse everything's getting. We all know he's getting handed a lump of steamy dogshit. Pirates on the seas. Wars in 53 countries. Retail's dying off. American car manufacturer's are near dead. Banks are in the grave. And we ain't getting much for waves. There's gotta be some good news somewhere. I'm stoked to see almost everybody supporting him. We should stand behind whoever the majority elected into office. No need for haters...unless is GWB. Man oh man, it's gonna be great if he actually pulls it off. Good luck buddy.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Tram cram

Next time I pile into sweaty, skunky tram slammed up to some white-guy-with-dreads hippy, telemark dude sportin gallons of patchooli, I'll be stoked I'm not crammed full like this train. How awesome it would be to get paid to drop a shoulder into some dudes every time a train pulls up. Maybe throw in a couple kidney punches next time.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Brown Pride

The one that got away. That's what I think of when I think of the original Brown Recluse. It's also known as Little Debbie becuase it looked like a pice of chocolate cake. And it was called The RV...The Rapists Vehicle cuz it looked creepy. It was like sleeping in a little craftsman home with it's wood cabinets, cupboards, and fold out bed. There was a kick ass propane heater that kept it roasting even if it was stormin normin outside. It got decent mileage and had all the power I needed. After throwing a bunch of money at her, and leaving her parked in Porkland for my 3 month sabbatical in Costa Rica, and driving her down to Santa Barbara, and many warm, toasty nights camping in her, I sold out in 2005. I never should have done it. Some military dude from Vandenberg came down with his girl to check it out. After he took it for a drive, I could tell he was gonna buy it because he had that smile on his face and was laughing. The same thing I did when I bought it. I bought a stupid Denali to replace it. Then a stupider Vanagon. Thankfully I'm at the helm of the Starcruizer now.

Check out that scoop vent up top!

Monday, January 5, 2009

Hip Hop

Now I get it...

Sunday, January 4, 2009

End of a good run

The Queen from jeff wirtanen on Vimeo.

What an awesome day today. It was an absolutely beautiful California winter day filled with fun surf. I timed my morning session at El Rincon perfect. There weren't many dickheads in the water and the wave was working just fine. Actually it was peeling right long with a good amount of gusto for the size. Got tons of waves that were in the gut to chest high range. The tide was perfect to make the inside sandbar thing start working, too. My only move right now is the get-low-hand-drag-squat. It was the right move for that throwing little inside section. Glorious waves. Then the crowd showed up in all it's lameness. Snaking, back paddling, and generally weak manueverings started to rear their ugly heads. So it was time for me to move on down the road to Hobson's.

I've driven past this place a million times but I don't think I've ever surfed it. Maybe once, when I spent the night in the campground with the RV (Rapist's Vehicle, AKA Little Debbie, AKA The Brown Recluse). Regardless, it may be my new least favorite break. Normally I'd say Mondos, but since I will probably never surf there again, I don't really count it. Hobson's was big, mushy, gutless, and almost non-existent until my last reeling right hand wave. That last wave was kind of incredi. Big drop with a squatting hand drag along a long throwing face into a lip smacking cutback to a wave ending floater nearly into the sand. Maybe I like Hobson's afterall.

On the way back home I stopped back at Rincon and tried to squeeze in a 3rd session before lunch. No such luck. The waves were a lot smaller. They shoulda been there 5 hours earlier. So I shot a couple vid clips and linked them together.

Party's over. Tomorrow it's back to the desk job. Time to get ready for Surf Expo. Florida, bitches.

Friday, January 2, 2009

51 Foot Formosa Ketch

For a couple years I've been eyeing this boat that's been in Fools Harbor. It kinda of looks like a CSY 44. But it's actually a 51 foot Formosa. It looks slow, beamy, and ultra comfy, perfect to live aboard. I never got a chance to check it out up close...until yesterday. I was down in the harbor stuffing my face with sushi and there it was, dry docked. Unbelievable! So I strolled over with half chubb and snooped around. Turns out it's been repossessed or something. Apparently the Sherriff owns it now, and it's going to auction on the 6th. In this economy, I'd love to pick it up cheeeaap. My only problem is finding a place to park the bitch. The going rate or a 50 foot slip in SB Harbor is $300,000. I don't have that kind of scratch laying around. Ventura is too far away. It's a long shot, but I've got a new project to work on this weekend. I'd like to see this thing loaded with surfboards cruising around Central America some day.