Tuesday, January 27, 2009

a nice 25 cent crap

Sometimes it's a battle to find a place to take an emergency dump, and it becomes a comedy of bullshit to tackle this job. Today was one of those days. And I'm a warrior. First thing this morning, it's absolutely beautiful and I'm driving the delivery van heading south towards LA. Coffee, Adam Corolla, and a mellow drive. I'm looking forward a nice day on the road spacing out, cuttin people off, stopping short, and makin enemies. First stop is in Port Hueneme, aka Point My Weenie. Point Hueneme Food Mart isn't open just yet, which is a good thing cuz I'm percolating man. Coffee is workin it's magic.

No time to doddle, so I jam across the parking lot to Subway. Dude is right inside the door so I couldn't just sneak in and mysto destroy. So in my nicest delivery guy voice, I ask Hamed to use his shitter. No dice. He scowls and points me out the door and towards Wendy's Hamburgers. Strike 1.

I squirt over to Wendy's, but Wendy's Fine Dining Room isn't open, just the drive thru. Strike 2.

I pucker, grunt, then turn and notice a coffee shop. Ah HAH! It's gotta be coffee shop law to have a shiter. People who drink delicious coffee take dumps. Nope, not here in f-ing Port Hueneme. Strike 3....Bitch with zits behind the counter says, "Our bathrooms aren't public, but if it's an emergency I could pull strings, walk you into the back, and open the vault, wait so I can help the 10 people in line first". Fuck you, bitch. I don't need your pity, just a toilet and a couple minutes of peace. And FUCK YOU ANACRAPUCCINO in Port Hueneme. Rot in hell. If you ever need my bathroom in any emergency situation, I'll punch you firmly in the gut. FUUUUUUUCK YOU!

Luckily for them, and my shorts, there's a laundromat front door 10 feet away. And it's open. Whoopie! Good timing. There's something growin inside and I need to rid myself asap. Any second now, I'm gonna start growing a tail. So I plow through the doors, scope the bathroom in back, knock little-old-ladies over, and make it in the knick of time.

At this point, the fact that I had to get some quarters and pay 25 cents to use their crapper is just perfect.

I'd expect nothing less. I'm gonna vandalize this fucker and it only costs me 25 cents.

1 comment:

  1. Dude! there's public toilets over by the Hueneme pier. not best location but beats trying 5 other places while trying not to crap in your pants. or there's also the T-Bell on corner of PV Rd. Trust me, I use to deliver beer in the area and would always know where the to be able to take an emergency dump.