Friday, October 30, 2009

Happy Halloween Bitches

Hope ya'll get wasted and fall down on someone special.

"Vampires are flashy dressers"

How To Find A Masculine Halloween Costume For Your Effeminate Son

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Peak Season Part 2-BAF Strikes Back

The trailer for Canadian eXtreme Reality MTV show, Peak Season has been all over the webs. And I'm fascinated by it. The idea is solid...get a bunch of drunken, whoring, fighting, snowshreddars and film their lives. So simple yet so incredible. But before they could do that, MTV Canada went on a coke binge and had sex with Laguna Beach, The Hills, Fall Out Boy, Von Dutch and Christian Audiger. What got crapped out is the shittiest look at snowboarding since Neff and Lucas Magoon. The midwest will love this shit.

I ran across this video below on Board As Fuck blog, which is from a bunch of pro-shreds where mostly they take turns calling each other homos. It's great. Looks like their reality crossed paths with the fake reality. I guess you're not supposed to speak when reality is being filmed.

40 in Venice

One of my all time favorite bros is turning 40 years old on Halloween. Which is a perfect day for dude's B-Day cuz he's an animal. I'm old and broken, and rarely get out of the Lazy Boy. Dude's still raging like it's 1999. He lives/parties/fights in Santa Monica these days. One of the last times we hung out, around 3am we punched each other in the face and I'm still fuzzy why. He sent me this invitation text a while back... "yo sucka, u gtta com dwn 4 my 40th this hallows eve...lots of Shrooms, X, and women!". Tempting, but I may be too much of a pussy. I'm no spring chicken.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Give us our hipsters back, please

A couple months ago, some Berkeley Hipsters decided it was a good idea to go on vacation to Iraq during wartime. Oy! What were they thinking. They didn't even know where the Iran/Iraq border was located. The little man in Memmbers Only jacket snatched them the second they stepped over the line with their cutoffs, knee high socks, retro glasses, American Apparel tees, fixed gear bikes, and shitty rapping. Okay Iran, we're sorry. But can we have our hipsters back so we can beat them with witled celery ourselves?

Monday, October 26, 2009

Diet Food

Behold the Grilled Cheese with Bacon Sando. The World's Greatest Sandwich. It's what athletes eat for dinner. You'll see 6 slices of bacon sizzling, but only 5 made it inside. One delicious Maple Flavored slice got scarfed as a appetizer. Next time I'll start with 7 slices and have 2 appetizers. So you want line up the bacon shoulder to shoulder and form a full layer wedged between the cheese. Maybe, if you're a fat-ass, you want to double the amount of bacon and make some sort of criss cross pattern with your bacon. The cheese needs to be next to the bread so it welds your sandwich shut. Just like it's going to do later to your colon. If I was to slice up a pig, I'd make bacon strips that are roughly 5.5 inches square. That way they'd fit on bread without any gaps and you'd have a little overhang. Tonight, since I "need" to use up the bacon, I might add some avocado.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Speed test

This big fat fly was looking to put 10 toes over. So I got him up to 40mph. Then he bailed.

"whoa" at 1:16...

The Hills Whistler

Whistler, eh. I always found it full of Moosehead, hot mountain chicks, Asprin with codeine, weed, hockey, Bob & Doug McKenzie, curling, monkeys, and epic snowshredding. I guess I never saw the "real" Canada. Looks like the documentary's sponsored By Ed Hardy, Affliction, Hot Chicks With, and Bitch Boards.

stoke level high

Looks like a few storms line up to pound California's coast with good waves and beautiful fall weather. Get your friends together and get after it everybody.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009


I've selected the theme song and title for my upcoming, undetermined, unbegun, underfunded, adventure film...Freedom Run. FREEDOM RUN. Let it sink in and feel the good times. Then clean yourself up and look alive. It's the centuries old struggle of good against evil. A young, Adonis-like man, casting away the suffocating shackles of an evil boss, an unjust society, and the unstoppable need to escape the mundane. He loads up the Suburban with Ibuprofen, wax, a 6'0" fish, 6'4" stubbie, 6'5" single fin, and many other boards for a balls-to-the-wall shredfest of epic proportions. It's the richeous man giving the finger to the evil forces from the Empirical Zog Industries and Dell Inc. Suck it, 9-5 bitches! The tale begins with slavery and ends with the sweet freedom of heaving, left hand, tropical pointbreaks and naked fat chicks. May da Schwartz be with him.

Motherfucking Kyuss to the rescue.
Life begins at 2:10....

lay days for days

The WCT Rip Dildo Search Portugal is off to another shitty start. 2 lay days due to crap conditions. Seems like another year of questionable surf for the world's best surfers to compete in. At least there's a great title race to keep it interesting. It's totally up in the air going into the last couple events. This one needs to happen the next few days, so I can watch it at my desk. Maybe some solid surf coming over the next few days over there. I'm staying positive that I'll get some quality webcasting for on-the-clock viewing.

I wish they were getting some of this...

Monday, October 19, 2009

Clear skies

Caught behind this rocket scientist for about 40 minutes today from Newbury Park to the 101/405 interchange. If you can't tell, she had her wipers blasting the whole time with nearly blue skies. It rained last week, so maybe she still had her wipers on just to be safe. California drivers are complete fucktards.

Friday, October 16, 2009

attitude adjustment

Seems like everybody's freaking out these days. Besides hearing myself bitch and moan over the last few weeks, I have tons of friends who seem to be going through similar, random life crisises. Everything is going to shit out there, man. People don't have jobs, some have jobs that are retarded, some are questioning their sanity, some have relationship drama. It's a weird time we live in. The stock market is about to burst again. Coloradical kids are dropping out of the sky from homemade Hindenbergs. So to brighten everybody's day, I'm giving my buddy Tonto, and you, this link to the Nuts Magazine's 50 Big Boob Celebrity Countdown. It took my mind off The End of World for a while.

My method went like this:
-a real quick glance over all of them
-pick out some favs and study them
-then scour for any recognizable names
-look for an semi recognizable names
-dig deeper and concentrate on the real nice pairs
-then hunker down and slowly go through #1
-#3 etc
-regroup, get a drink of water, and start again at the top
-use shoulder to block so your stupid cubicle neighbor doesn't bother you

And here's that sneezing Panda shit. So funny.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Electromagnetic Pulse

Somebody must've sabotaged my current place of employment with an EMP. Servers exploded. UPS scale broken. Internets crapped out. Porn supply cut off. At one point this week we went a couple days with just Free Cell and Solitaire. We still didn't have to actually comunicate to each other. But the ying to this yang is that we've got poopy-brown head-high waves kickin ass right now. While this technological shitstorm was going off today, I took a much needed constitution down to El Rincon. I felt the need to paddle out and infect the lineup with The Staph. the mid-day shred fest was on my self-shaped 6'4" stumpy little diamond tail. Good times out there, mang. I got back to the orifice and switched from singlefin to a 2+1 setup for the after work decompression in the Montecito zip code. See you fags out there.

Monday, October 12, 2009

Black Market Monday

Check out this chick wearing some bootleg Sex Wax Gear on a At least somebody out there is coming up with new Sex Wax tees. I'm so proud, whoever you are...

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Mission Accomplished

Today in Hawaii, Craig Alexander conquered the Ironman World Championship. More importantly, today in Santa Barbara, a highly spandexed young man named The Brown Recluse conquered Gibralter Mother Fucking Road. It was now or never, I feared. So on tuesday, I decided to just do it. What's the worst that can happen? I had a major head adjustment going into it. Normally I would want to DESTROY the hill and ride with dignity. That basically means no stopping, ride at a good clip, hide your pain, and make other hurt worse. Fuck that. I'm old and broken and barely have the time to properly train. I figured that I would rob, cheat, and steal in order to get over this thing. And it was as grueling as I thought. My legs were flat and had no pop, but I just kept turning the pedals. I stopped about 6 or 7 times in order to get my heart rate down, other wise it was above 170 for about 2 hours. Oh and speaking of 2 hours, I had planned on a Worst Case Scenario of 2.5 hours for the whole thing. It took 4 fucking hours. I didn't bring any food and I didn't eat much beforehand. That was bad news. I also ran out of water, but I spotted a random drinking fountain in the middle of nowhere. If some guy hadn't been filling up a jug, I would've passed right by it. Somewhere near the top, I passed another biker guy and about 50 yards away, I found a pothole that gave me a flat. A quick tube change and I was back on my way. The worst thing about the ride is that there never seems to be a peak. It just keeps going up and up and into the wind. How can that be? Just when I thought there was no possible way it could keep climbing, I would go around a corner and see another fucking hidden peak. But when I was about to snap, I found the final downhill at Painted Cave Road. Not a moment too soon, my quads were cramping and was probably moments from bonking. It was about 20 minutes of high speed descent then a long, flat 10 miles to get home. I was spent. I swear, if it was 5 miles longer, I would not have made it on my shitty training. A couple hours of legs cramps and spaced out of my head, and I'm feeling a lot better now. Good times man.

So much hope

I shot anyway

Long and winding road

East Camino Cielo

Up above the clouds

Feeling like shit but almost home

Climbing Gibralter Road from Brown Recluse on Vimeo.

Friday, October 9, 2009

What's this all about?

At some point in every blog, we feel we need to explain why we do this. I'm at that point today.

My blog don't mean shit. It's just something to do. It's a way to kill a few minutes out of every day by commenting on random crap that's funny or pisses me off. That's all. Instead of taking another alleged "crap" and just sitting in the bathroom reading surf mags, I sit at my desk pooping out crap on a keyboard. I'm staring at a cuntputer a lot, so I can take 5 minutes out of my day and add something that's of some interest. Maybe it's interesting to you. I don't know. It brings some joy to my life so fuck it. It also helps me work through things. I'm emotional and passionate about everything I do. Why do something if you're gonna be half-assed? As Yoda said in The Empire Strikes back..."do or do not, there is no try". The mental clarity is amazing when I write shit down and actually think it out. If you don't do that, try it sometime. Other than those simple reasons, I don't know why. To have fun? To show things I've seen? To point out rad people? To call bullshit? To call myself on my own bullshit? Yep, all of it.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Malibu/Santa Monica/Carp

A day in the life.

Started with an incredible deuce deuce along the PCH in Malibu. Must've gotten there right after it was scrubbed. There was fresh TP and no piss or shit smeared anywhere.

Bjork in Santa Monica.

Butt Pirate Ship.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Need more surf

After a year of epic fails, I've set a last minute goal to climb Gibralter Road this weekend even if it kills me. Fuck it. I feel like shit, my lungs hurt and my legs are weak. There doesn't appear to be any waves in the forecast, so what better time? I may have to stop many times and throw up, but at least I'll accomplish something in '09. Gonna make some change soon. This guy's job seems like pretty neat....

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Second mid life crisis coming soon

Who wants to start a business, any business? I don't really care what kind of biz. But...
Let's not WANT to sit at a desk to avoid going home.
Let's not take "NO" for an answer.
Let's never play golf....EVER.
Let's not do shit half assed.
Let's not be lazy pieces of shit.
Let's not rely on happy hour, drowning in shitty well vodkas.
Let's keep an open mind about everything except tite pants.
Let's do things cuz it's the best.
Let's always seek inspiration (kinda gay, I know, fuck off).
Let's create cool shit.
Let's take vacations to keep the stoke level max'd out.
Let's head to the mountains, drink crappy beer, and burn shit.
Let's get mid-day barrels and fresh pow.
Let's never stop learning.
Let's always be fresh.
Let's seamlessly blend work/play/life.
Let's make some dough and live an incredible life.
Let's always have fun.

Monday, October 5, 2009

Monday Bloody Monday

I give up. It's like talking to a Black Hole of new ideas and forward thinking. From now on I shut my piehole and get pitted, so pitted. Fuck it.

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Cans and shit

Been busy for a few days with some shit on my mind so I haven't had the energy post any useless crap that saps minutes from yous day. When I say I've been working on shit, I mean money. It doesn't look like I'm gonna get rich the old fashioned way...screwing my way into a life of leisure. So I'm gonna have to bust my ass. And as one of my rich friends told me..."Jeff, you work too hard. It's better to work smart, than work hard." I've been trying to build our biz in the hopes of breaking away from this wretched desk life at some point in the near future. So I feed the Head Cheese new ideas for products, new marketing strategies, new approaches to attract more biz, and all that jazz. Basically, everything a sales manager is supposed to do. But 0% gets put into action. Years of this shit, and I'm near over it. I've been talking with some bros at a shoe company with a names that rhymes with CANS about a fucking epic collab. It's an unbelievabley rad fit for both companies. The Head Cheese is initially against it, but there's a slight chance. His kid and I agree that this would be great, so it's 2 against 1. The battle comes monday when I give him the full court press. Pedal to the metal. We're either doing this or I'm getting fired. Punches might get thrown and dudes will weep. Let's hope it's me that's weeping in joy.

So here's what I've been up to in the meantime...

Said goodbye to one roommate.

Delivered wax to shops from Seal Beach to San Diego. Some have gone out of biz.

Visited CANS World Headquarters, got a visitor sticker, and visited some CANS by Dave Flores.