Saturday, October 10, 2009

Mission Accomplished

Today in Hawaii, Craig Alexander conquered the Ironman World Championship. More importantly, today in Santa Barbara, a highly spandexed young man named The Brown Recluse conquered Gibralter Mother Fucking Road. It was now or never, I feared. So on tuesday, I decided to just do it. What's the worst that can happen? I had a major head adjustment going into it. Normally I would want to DESTROY the hill and ride with dignity. That basically means no stopping, ride at a good clip, hide your pain, and make other hurt worse. Fuck that. I'm old and broken and barely have the time to properly train. I figured that I would rob, cheat, and steal in order to get over this thing. And it was as grueling as I thought. My legs were flat and had no pop, but I just kept turning the pedals. I stopped about 6 or 7 times in order to get my heart rate down, other wise it was above 170 for about 2 hours. Oh and speaking of 2 hours, I had planned on a Worst Case Scenario of 2.5 hours for the whole thing. It took 4 fucking hours. I didn't bring any food and I didn't eat much beforehand. That was bad news. I also ran out of water, but I spotted a random drinking fountain in the middle of nowhere. If some guy hadn't been filling up a jug, I would've passed right by it. Somewhere near the top, I passed another biker guy and about 50 yards away, I found a pothole that gave me a flat. A quick tube change and I was back on my way. The worst thing about the ride is that there never seems to be a peak. It just keeps going up and up and into the wind. How can that be? Just when I thought there was no possible way it could keep climbing, I would go around a corner and see another fucking hidden peak. But when I was about to snap, I found the final downhill at Painted Cave Road. Not a moment too soon, my quads were cramping and was probably moments from bonking. It was about 20 minutes of high speed descent then a long, flat 10 miles to get home. I was spent. I swear, if it was 5 miles longer, I would not have made it on my shitty training. A couple hours of legs cramps and spaced out of my head, and I'm feeling a lot better now. Good times man.

So much hope

I shot anyway

Long and winding road

East Camino Cielo

Up above the clouds

Feeling like shit but almost home

Climbing Gibralter Road from Brown Recluse on Vimeo.


  1. you've raised the stoke brother. good on ya. atta boi. shakka. pat on the back. etc.

    you deserve yosukos. you muther Fn athlete. way to charge. i forgive you for the crotch cam, the spandex, and the reciprocal claiming antics.


  2. Whoa!! That's some serious shit! I'm a sprinter. I wouldn't even consider making a climb like that . . . ever! Good on ya!

    By the way, nice bike!! I'm glad you pulled the trigger on it. That thing is truly sweet.

  3. Sista, I never was a sprinter, I was a climber....a long time ago in a mountain state far far away. And this climb is truely a bitch. Even in shape it would be brutal. I hope the Tour of California tackles it someday so I can see how the top riders handle it.

    Bybee, dry ice some Yasukos and send it my way, you fucker.

  4. nice one! Did you hit a marb red after that? I heard it " Opens the lungs "

  5. dude jeff- thanks for the video of your ballsack, and your infectious leg man.

    i couldnt figure out which was worse- all the gay myspace/facebook-esque pictures of you, or the video that made me feel gay.

    i still can't figure it out...

  6. oh yeah, and CONGRATS! super badass (yet totally gay)

  7. whoa.
    did it!

    srsly tho could've at least spun the camera around and filmed fighter-pilot descent...

    looks "sweaty" though. Dang. Good jorb.

  8. nice work. jeez.
    i did a 5K on sunday and can barely walk. your post confirmed what i was already fearing...that i am indeed a pussy.

  9. drexnefex i had at least three epic bike climb tales this year and you didn't say "nice work" to me on any of them. is it because I don't sarf?

  10. and yes, of course you are a pussy.

  11. Nice ride, A Man.
    Now go fuck yourself.

  12. next time you do the ride stop by for a cerveza on the way down!