These aren't the droids we're looking for

Wooo Hooo, it's friday!

Prison Love

Convicts Love Sex Wax.

COMING SOON...Sex Wax on a rope.

Cock shield

This random box got mis-shipped to us today and I nearly shit my pants when we opened it up. It's a Wee Block thing. What? You don't know what a Wee Blocker is? Apparently there's a major need for Chinese made piss shield for changing baby's diapers. You know, like when a little dude is laying there gettin a wipedown on his junk/taint/butthole and he rains down a power trip of urine on some unsuspecting baby sitter. Like my man R Kelly. Those sick little fvcks. I like their style. Who thinks up this Captain Blast Off shit anyway? Fat, sinister, housewives from Conneticut with too much free time and pissy shirts. That's who.

Jamie O'Brien 2012

Via Phoresia, I found this link to Jamie O'Brien. Jamie apparently has a Twitter page that some other dude writes for him. I don't Twitter cuz I'm boring as fuck and it would be like watching paint dry. But to have somebody else do it for you seems fucking stupid. Why bother? Until I read Jamie O's reply. I think I have a man crush on his response...if he actually wrote the response. The hate is STRONG in this one....


"The fucking surf industry has strangled the surf media so tight for so long that the brains of all surf writers have turned to mush. The media and most of the surfers believe their own con. That surfers must be nice, polite, petite friends to political correctness and each other. Even if they are not, they must pretend. I am not this and I don’t care to be or pretend to be. I have enough friends, I have my own interests and I don’t need them told by drones.

If you want to write shitful rubbish in your magazines, speak trash in an interview, on your blogs, in the comments, on twitter, Then YOU are the problem in your world, not me. And you are already fucked. Go on little man, hate on me. You don’t even know me.
I am not a musician, not a politician, not a painter, not a photographer and not a writer. I am just a surfer. That is enough for me. Charlie Smith is a surfer and writer and his Ruffo Ice Buddha piece changed my perception of surf media. That’s why I asked him to write my personality.

Charlie writes me on twitter to entertain you. To demonstrate to you that freedom of expression is real. That I can do whatever I like and so can you. I hope to encourage you to be all you can be. If you don’t understand the premise, the humor, are too sensitive for the critiques, too politicized and chained to the surf industry, take heart, because I don’t care.

Personality is only what you perceive it to be. Like a good wax job.
Criss crossed layers until it beads. You don’t know the layers so
don’t judge the beads, build your own fucken wax job instead of trying throw sand on mine. I surf, not fucken contests or slop, but the waves I want when I want how I want. Charlie writes whatever the fuck he wants and I laugh.

Fuck the magazines, fuck the fake interviews, fuck the false humility, fuck the deception and cover-ups. Write something else you little minded clones. Surfing is best left to me, writing to Charlie. Admire us and our freedoms until it inspires you enough to seek your own."

Jamie O´Brien Leftovers from surfallbeaches.com on Vimeo.

Muy tanquilo y contenido

Monday's Hate Level Very Low.
Must find something to hate on today.
Hope to report back later.

chicken weiners for sale

Lots of good waves, I got to yell at an old dude, 85 degrees, and $1 hot dogs. Right on, right on, right on! I'm feelin it. So I bought some lottery tickets.

Pivot Point Haiku

Fresno came to beach.
Rested blue gut against wall.
Rail cried out in pain.

miracle on July 24th

Last night while surfing mellow, windy, waist/chest high waves, I clobbered the top of my foot. Not sure how, but that's not important. It was no problemo in the water. Just a little achy. Once I got out though, the pain level rose and made me take notice. Not unmanagable, cuz I don't feel pain like the common folk. But my foot was all jacked up and not working right. I kind of thought something broke down cuz I couldn't move it. It was swollen and starting to bruise so I went to sleep to keep my mind off it. Then I woke up this morning and NOTHING. Not a damm thing. Absolutley no problemo. It's offically a miracle. Or I'm a godamm perfect physical specimen with an incredible rate of recovery.

Ventoux yourself

Oh man I'm so stoked for saturday, I can barely contain myself. Hopefully I'm not jinxin it, but it looks like some epic waves are coming our way. I'm not sure where I'm gonna go, but I'm gonna shred all day. Me and every other wave-starved ass-clown will be there. Come join us. It's gonna be hot as balls. So I'm gonna bronze the fat, too.

Then I'll retire to the Lazy Boy for the Tour de France climb up Mt Ventoux. It's been a great Tour so far. I can't believe Contador put 1:30 on Old Man Lance during today's time trial. I figured the last few days Lance was pulling a Art of War tactic..."act weak when you're strong and strong when you're weak". But losing 1:30 in a time trial, one of his strengths, is nobody's strategy, no matter how devious. I also figured that once he'd been the "good teammate" and made sure that only Contador or Himself would win the race, it would be a duel to the end. Mano y mano. LeMond/Hinault style. I was thinking Lance and his super human, undetectable drugs would kick in on today's all important time trial and the upcoming Mt Ventoux. After today, my weakly hatched plan is crap. I couldn't bike race my way out of a wet napkin. Nobody's gonna gain nearly 6 minutes on a climbing master like Contador. But Ventoux should be fun regardless. Lots of dudes wanna win that stage for a lifetime of braggin rights and glory. I can't wait.

Great Camping

Pretty good bean bomb here. Whoever these people are, I like their style. Dude almost got beans shot up his nose like Lindsay Lohan and hograils. Nice firetending, though. I think I can hear some PBR drinking and smokes gettin chuffed.

Fvck ups

Nosetradamus of the Tackledbox got me thinking about fucked up athletes that rip. I'm still jonzin for the Bunker Spreckels movie.

No respect

some dumb stuff...

Ying for yer Yang.

I've seen this vintage looking snurfing video making the rounds recently and I thought it was bullshit. The snurfing action was way too good. I assumed it was some dudes putting on old looking gear, shreddin the gnar, and using After Effects to make it look old. After reading Shay's interview, I'm a retard. Apparently these dudes are legit cuz I read about it on the nets.





Neverland...What a timely name for Absinthe's new vid. It's nice to see a trailer with some classic power tunes. Gets me jonzing for some shred in mid July. Thanks, you dicks.

Super Saturday

No waves today, and I didn't feel like going to the gym, so I accomplished a few missions...

#1...After chugging coffee and checking the lack of surf, I located a cool gun shop in Ventura. Gun dealers ALWAYS have a hillbilly accent. And I'm always the smartest guy in the place. While I was there, some methhead lady cruized through and said she needed a really small gun that she could hide. Gun Dealer #1 told her to get the fuck out. I was there to order a Saiga 762 and that's what I did. Gun Dealer #2 was stoked on my choice, even though it was "commie". I don't really understand CA Gun Law, but I think they said I should be able to pick it up this week if my backgound check clears. Die mother fucking zombies!!!

#2...Still no surf after buying my nice, new rifle, so I drove home and shaped the world's greatest surfboard. I didn't really know what I wanted to ride, so I went into it half assed. I was thinking I wanted something like a Terry Fitzgerald Drifta. I don't think I even came close. It's going to be a 2+1 fin setup. Dimensions are roughly 6'5" x 22.5 x 2 7/8??? But that could change once I decide to "touch things up". Not sure how this pig will ride, but I don't really care. I built this shit, so it's the best board ever.




#3...Liz Clark is living the dream and I'm so stoked for her. She sails around, surfs, and climbs trees for coconuts in tropical locations. She's featured in a new video called Dear & Yonder and it was showing at Patagonia Headquarters. Liz was there with a neat little slide show before D & Y. It's a chick flick filled with chicks surfin. So basically it's porn to me. But once I got over that, I realized it's a film worth seeing. Usually girl shred flicks seem to complain about being a girl in a male dominated world. This one just puts them out there and makes no excuses, wipeouts and all. Girls need to burn their fucking Cosmo, InStyle, and Vogue's and follow her example. Good stuff, sister.

Saiga 7.62

California gun laws suck balls. For good reason. We got a world class collection of nutbags lurking around out there. In these trying times, when a decent, upstanding, concerned citizen like myself wants to score a high-powered assault rifle, we're screwed. But I think found a nice little way around it thanks to a loophole in the laws. I can pick up a civilized AK47. It's called the Saiga. SAIGA mother fuckers! No pistol grip, no collapsable stock, no flare/grenade launcher, no problem. I can live without those. I'm trying to decide between the 7.62 and the 308. And then I'm gonna blow the shit outta paper targets, watermellons, & old cuntputers.


When the shit hits the fan, it's better to have IT and not need IT, than need IT and not have IT.

Team Bum

Team Bum was working this corner of North Hollywood's Coldwater Canyon Exit of the 101. I'm diggin their new uniforms. God bless.

Closer To Home

Right now I should be living the dream somewhere in Central America instead of sitting in front of my cuntputer. The secret plan was to quit the job right after the 08/09 winter swell season, maybe around May. Then load up the Super Van and surf my way south to Panama and back. Solo mission. I travel well that way. Just stack up some boards and cruize, man. You don't need much else besides board shorts and some wax. Ahh, the simple life. I'd bring all the camera gear and laptop for editing during the down time. Lots of reading and practicing Spanish, too. I was gonna make zero plans and just go wherever/whenever for about 6 months...or as long as the money lasted. It goes a lot further when you eats cans of tuna, roadside tacos, and fresh fruit all day. I have a ton of surf spots I wanna hit and that was gonna be my only guide. Who knows, maybe I'd find a little slice of heaven somewhere and post up for a while. Then when I was ready, I'd head back to Santa Barbara and find a new jobby job. But then the economy tanked and there's no jobs to come back to. So I stayed home, sold the van, and put all the money into a new car. The dream is dead for now. Maybe I'll do it in 2013. The 10 year anniversary of my 2003 Sabbatical in Costa Rica. But for now, I'm actually cool with it. I'm stoked for the job I have. I just need an adventure. Maybe I need to go camping and burn/blow up some shit. The CA city life gets a little mundane especially when you have an 8-5 and a boss with zero wanderlust. He doesn't understand the need to get caveman every once in a while. I need to shake things up a little...like Vanessa and Brett in Closer To Home. Except for all the hippy music and environmental protection, I like their style.

sciatica

My back is a massive piece of shit. Almost a year ago my L4/5 disc decided to fuck with me. So like the pussy that it is, it ruptured. The fucking thing started oozing out and ran into my sciatic nerve. It mashed up against it and brought me tremendous joy down my leg. Fire and DEEEEEEEEP down pain was all I knew. No sleep for most of 7 days tripped my shit out. I was jacked up on steroids, vicoden, and pain for a solid week before I finally got an epidural. Man, that was such a relief once I finally got that shot.

Fastforward to a couple weeks ago. And it took a dump on me again. Not nearly as bad, but very close. I cold feel sparks down the leg and I knew that the fucking L4/5 son-of-a-bitch was swellin up. I've been avoiding surgery because I believe my body will fix itself. My body is a temple, after all. For the better part of the year, my plan was working like a charm. But I haven't been as consistent as I'd like. I just need to get all jockish. So in order to motivate myself, I'm officially announcing that NEW HEFE has begun...again. In order to be solid for this fall's surf, it's back to the hardcore program that I've been slacking with....biking, martial arts, weights, lots of leg workouts, stetching, ibuprofen, and suppliments. to reach my full potential, I'll need to pick some Under Armour, a headband, Gator Gum, and some Oakley Razor Blades.

Here's how it's goin so far.

back in the saddle from Brown Recluse on Vimeo.

cycling is dope

After a rad day of biking and surfing I'm slothing. Slothing AND watching the climb up the Col de Tourmalot. I got thinking again....How many proven dopers were in Top 10 of the 7 Tours de France that Drug Free Lance Armstrong won? So I did a homework via wikipedia, see below. I may have missed a couple druggies. Most years it was half the Top 10. The best year for drugs was 2005. 7 of the top 10 in the Tour de France were confirmed drug users. That's the world's greatest bike races and 70% of the best 10 are cheats. Aren't drugs supposed to make you super human? I guess not. Drug Free Lance destroyed them all.

Also, if Lance doesn't test positive (and we all know he will never test positive cuz he's ahead of the testing program) I'm now placing my money on Lance to win this years Tour. That's right, after all my skepticism, I'm on board. Astana is strong. I think Alberto Contador is creating a distraction. Lance is pulling a Slater and keeping everybody guessing. Lance is faking weakness but he looks strong and confident (Art of War shit). I think he's saving his power for the Alps. And he's psyching out all the other dudes with his talk about Mt Ventoux on stage 20. WHAT? A big fucking legendary mountain climb that everybody in contention needs to have the power to climb 2 days before Paris? After 19 days of racing? OOOOOOOOoooooo.


1999-Alex Zulle, Laurent DeFaux,Richard Virenque
*tyler hamilton and frankie andreu were teammates and later proven to have doped.

2000-Jan Ullrich,Christophe Moreau,Roberto Heras, Virenque

2001-Jan Ullrich, Igor Gonzalez de Galeano*(only sanctioned in France), Oscar Sevilla, Santiago Botero

2002-Raimondas Rumsas, Santiago Botero, Igor Gonzalez de Galeano, Francisco Mancebo, Roberto Heras

2003-Jan Ullrich, Alexander Vinikourov, Tyler Hamilton, Ivan Basso, Christophe Moreau, Francisco Mancebo

2004-Andreas Kloden, Ivan Basso, Jan Ullrich, Francisco Mancebo, Oscar Pereiro

2005-Ivan Basso, Jan Ullrich, Francisco Mancebo, Alexander Vinokourov, Michael Rasmussen, Floyd Landis, Oscar Pereiro

sleepy

Looks like LightGnar was in Santa Barbara county.

666

A couple weeks back I decided to help out this fucked up US economy by buying Japanese. I scooped up a silver 2009 Subaru Outback Limited. Otherwise known as the Lez-Mobile. I was due for a new car anyway. They're practically giving the things away. I went middle of the road, because that's what I do. Never the best shit unless it's sports equipment or hookers. It's got leather interior, tints, sunroof, and colon heaters. The miles just rolled over 666, and I've gotten my first impression. I have to say, this rig is pretty good. I wasn't overly excited about any cars out the right now. All the cars I can afford look like a retard banged a downs syndrome and they crapped out whatever they could get out. No thought process or thinking, it just happened. The new Outbacks actually look decent. By no means sporty, but it doesn't look like the fucking Pontiac Aztek. DIE A MISERABLE LINGERING DEATH ALL YOU A-HOLES AT PONTIAC! It's got okay 0-60, but I don't care. I don't need to be anywhere right now. It's all wheel drive. And it gets decent milage. The only other thing out there that I was looking at was the VW Jetta Sportwagen Turbo Diesel which gets 45mpg. But I'm not in a college sorority and I'm straight. So there you have it. I hope I never start calling it a Subi.

Mile 666



The newest Brown Recluse is a silver. And not a van.

7-7-9

So much happening on today, I don't know where to focus my attention....


They're stuffing MJ in the ground today. I hope he stays there.



Team Astana won today's team trial so they now have 4 dudes in the Top 10. Team time trials are boring unless it's pouring rain and dudes crash. But whatever. It breaks up the field a bit. Plus, this year the Tour has no time bonues along the way, which means it's clocked on actual time. I'm not completely sure how that will play out in strategies. Hopefully there's some big break aways after this customary first week for the sprinters. Can't wait for the mountains.



Get yer Fantasy Surf Team ready for J-Bay, you losers. It starts in just a couple days. I think I have my team set. Here it is if you want to cheat off the World's Greatest Fantasy Surf Team Manager Ever...Slater, Taj, Martinez, Aritz Aranburu, Jay Bottle Thompson, Tiago Pires, Jordy, & Emslie.

Drugs are bad?

Call me a spandex wearing fag, but I watch bike racing. I don't have the time to ride as many miles like the old days, but I'm still a big fan of racing. The speed, danger, tactics, and shear pain is absolutely amazing. Nobody in professional sports has a higher pain threshold. Nope, not even teeny little triathletes. These biker dudes are hauling ass, using the draft to cruize along at around 40mph in the final miles. Their legs burning, full of lactic acid. Then they shift gears, kick it up a notch, and step on it, pushing big fucking gears into the final sprints. Elbows knocking and shoulders bashing each other they fight all the way to the line. If you go down at that speed, you're fucked. Things break and you lose skin. The acids make your quads feel like molten barbed wire is running through them, but you've gotta power through the pain. After a big spaghetti dinner and sleep, it's time to get up and race up a 10,000 foot mountain after 116 miles of racing. And then again for something like 21 total stages. And don't even get me started on the time trial days. Good times. There's nothing bigger for me than the month of July and the Tour De France. This year it takes a clockwise rotation around France for roughly 2000 miles. If you only know the sport from the nightly news, you've only heard of Lance Armstrong. He probably ain't gonna win this thing, but he's gonna shake things up alot. His team, Astana is loaded with talent like Contador, Leipheimer, Kloden, and Popovych. With that stacked of a team, who knows. Maybe a 37 year old cancer guy CAN win this thing.

*Lance got fined $92 today for not signing in before the race. OOOOoooooo, so scary. $92 dollars. Give me a fucking break, he used more in drugs today.

Happy 4th

Looks like smallish southern hemi coming for the big holiday weekend. So have fun out there, whatever you're doing....

Is Iceman selling his car?

The answer is NO. I'm not man enough to own this wing that drives around attached to this car. I would imagine the owner, Hennessey Henshaw, is a very manly, mini-dude with spikey hair, a popped collar, and an inferiority complex. I'm just guessing though. Is that Canadian dollars, is Fayettville in Canada?

Stop #4-Brazil

I'm working away at my desk watching the Brazil contest today.
Everybody hates this stop on the World Tour.
Lots of shittalkin on the webs.
I'd like Brazil.
Make the best of it.

Karl Malden makes it an even 6

Coming out of left field, it's Karl Malden to swoop in front of Swayze and claim the #3 spot of the second set of 3 dead famous people. They always go in 3's. I didn't even know he was still alive. I think I first remember him from The Poseidon Adventure. Then Amex commercials. Dude was old when I was young. Now I'm old and he's dead. He was a handsome man and a class act who had an old school Hollywood career. And he made it to 97 years old. Good job, considering the number of years he breathed the goddamm aweful Los Angeles smog. I have a sneaking suspicion we have another set of 3 getting ready start any day now (maybe it's just because we have so many famous people now). By the way that Swayze smokes cigs and has advanced cancer, I'd go double or nothing on Swayze being in that 3.

Desire Moore

Hailing from Coloradical...
Currently residing in Seattle...
Training in Ballard USA...
Grappa drinkin...
The Tower of Power...
The Thunda From Down Unda...
Every Mexican thief's favorite target...
An all around super-rad chick...
Desireeeeeeeeeee
Mooooooooooooooooooooore!!!!!