SCOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRREEEEEEE!!!!!!!

The soul meter almost exploded today. I can't believe my good fortune. I just scored 3 new boards. Well, new to me. These things are old. I got a early 70's Dr Gooster single fin and funky ass Yater with a ultra flex fin like I've never seen. Did I just say Dr Gooster? What the hell is that. Sick logo on that one. They're all fucking epic in one way or another. Lots of weird rails and vees. My buddy cleared out his barn and had a few too many boards. I was getting a boner over a couple of them and he said "take em, they're yours". What? I said I'd clean them up and use them for a while, but they're still his. He also said another board he was given, so he said take it too. Turns out it's a 9'4" triple stringer Dewey Weber Performer. Fuckin A! Adios Robert August Surftech, you piece of shit. Bring on some waves. Take a look....

Hate mail

People never stop amazing me.
Exhibit A...here's a love message from my soon-to-be-ex-roommate to another roommate.
Repulsive.
And officially the Worst Roommate Ever.

Discover knowledge,excitement, & challenge

Poseiden look at me

T-Pain stole my shit. I'm thinking about suing this mother fucker for using a sick ass picture of Poseiden at minute 2:24.

Fan Halen & Mini Kiss

I went to the raddest Halloween party a couple years ago. It was hosted by some mega rich Montecito family and attended by all kinds of late 30ish, preppy Cate school families. Everybody was in killer costumes, I was Santa Claus. There were jungle gyms built for the kids and jungle juice for the mom & dad types. They hired some off duty Universal Studios people to walk around in real costumes like Spiderman, X-Men, and Shrek. The coolest thing was the bands they booked. Mini Kiss was flown in from New York and Fan Halen sexed they're way up from LA. Mini Kiss is a bunch of midgets that paint theselves up and lip synch some Kiss tunes...and they sucked. Somewhere I have my picture with them. Fan Halen, on the other hand, was the shit! Dude lives the David Lee life and the band rips. They even brought up some groupies to spice it up. It was like our own private Van Halen show in the hills of Montecito. A bunch of very white people gettin crazy.

What's next?

Nothing ridiculous or super funny to report. There just doesn't seem to be much going on right now. It's kinda average every single day right now, goddammit. I'm not sure if it's economy, blah weather, or lack of solid surf. The weekend saw some mellow longboard waves at The Ranch. We surfed John's Pond, Middle Peak, and Little Malibu all 3 days. Lots of waist high peelers before the wind came up, but nothing epic. Now it's tuesday and I'm tied to the cuntputer till friday. Here's work...

Untitled from Brown Recluse on Vimeo.

Altered States

Who's got one of these isolation tanks? I gotta give it a try, man. I wanna talk to dolphins and learn jiu jiitsu.

Hayden Panatierre

It was only a matter time before I posted something about Hayden Panatierre. As Adam Carolla says, she's a waffle crapper. A waffle crapper is a girl so smokin' hot that if she crapped on a waffle, it would turn you on. The 19-year-old Heroes actress' tattoo reads 'vivere senza rimipianti', however, the last word has one too many i's and should instead simply be 'rimpianti'. Oops. This is great stuff. I've been sitting at my desk studying the evidence.

The Honey Pies

I love this song, but I have no idea what dude's sayin. The name of the song is "Sex Wax", so I'd assume it's about midget tossing and vicoden. Santa Barbara needs more of this shit. We've got the worst music scene EVER.

Souper Wedensday

Motherfucking Ramen technology is unbelievable these days. When I was a little rat, all we had was Cup O Shit. You know. The ones in the styrofoam cups that taste like ass. Then along came Top Ramen. That crap was so good. For a couple years, I lived off it and Southern Comfort. My favorite technique was to stir in an egg while it was boiling away. Then I'd pour it over some frozen peas to cool it off fast and add some veggies. Now a days, they've got this bucket of noodles called Souper Meal. It's a $1 and it's full of tasty chemicals and Asian goodness. It's made BY athletes FOR athletes. Along with a Large Coffee, it's what World Champs eat for breakfast. I can feel incredible strength already.

World's Greatest Team Manager

What a lame Teahupoo contest, but at least I got some decent points. It's in the quarters as I type, but all my dudes are cashed. Still managed a respectable 717 points to keep me in the hunt and ahead of my nemisis, Dave Letinsky. There just wasn't the swell during the contest period. After an epic 2007, the string of lackluster waves continues. I think we all wanted to see the monsters that Teahupoo is known for. But the good thing is this will shake up the standings and make for an interesting season.

Kelly Slater 88
Andy Irons 104
Taylor Knox 113
CJ Hobgood 116
Fred Patacchia 87
Tiago Pires 11
Jordy Smith 100
Jay Thompson 98
Total: 717

After event #3 I'm 454 out of 15,598. So you're sayin there's a chance.

T-Bone List

It has come to my attention from Nose Tremendous that I have a secret homo attraction to T-Bone Da Menace. He brings up some valid points like I surf, moved to California, and have participated in yoga. There has been some azaming "coincidences". Today's list is dedicated to T-Bone and other startling similarities...

T-Bone shreds the gnar...I attempt to shred the gnar.
T-Bone ate a pork burrito for lunch today...I ate a pork burrito.
T-Bone drives a van...I drive a van.
T-Bone knows how to use a computer...I use a computer.
T-Bone takes pics...I have taken pics.
T-Bone drank 4 scoops of Colon Cleanse last night and took 3 dumps before noon today...I drank 4 scoops of Colon Cleanse last night and took 3 dumps before noon today.



T-Bone Art...


Menace to wooden statues...

not another list

Today's list is Love/Hate of Bikram Yoga in no particular order

Love
1. The sweat
2. The spacey shit that some people call "meditation"
3. Streching out the hammy's
4. The good pain
5. Breakthroughs
6. Getting yelled at by skater rats in parking lot who fucked with the Super Van
7. Dizziness and nearly passing out
8. The greediness of Bikram Himself
9. The way most instructors are a little too full of themselves
10. The new teacher in SB is super cool and sings a mellow tune at the end
11. Splashing some of my sweat essence on neighbors cuz I sweat ALOT
12. Dehydration

Hate
1. Focusing on my own practice and not checking out the chicks

Shit Talk 100

Post numero uno hundredo, as our Mexican amigos would say. But let's dedicate this post to the Sacred Craft Consumer Expo....
-WAYYYY too many dudes and very few hot chicks
-Limited number of tight pants cuz it was in Ventura
-There was obviously a shit ton of cool boards
-Fuck loads of displacement hulls
-Ass ton of classic dudes like John Peck(see below), Bruce Jones, Malloy Bros, Yvon Chouinard, and the Fineline guy
-Learned that several hardcore thruster bros are ordering hulls which are the exact opposite
-Invented the fin sock
-Saw some very rad shitty mustaches
-Met a couple more Svrf & Destroy homos
-The corn dogs were 1/2 size so I opted for an AMP energy drink and worked off a little of my newfound energy by soundly kicking the Svrf & Destroy dudes asses
-Surfed really really really fun Rincon on the way down and back..don't tell anybody
-Stoke level elevated
-Took no pics except for the Surftech Van attending a surfboard shaper show...isn't that weird?
-I need to get rid of my Surftech longboard






Trip on this shit bro....

Greed is good

At my gym, this Eco-Friendly Green vehicle is parked in the handicapped spot right by the front door every day. You can see the blue stripe. That sticker on a gas guzzlin, high powered, heavy polluter, S550 is typical California Asshole. Fucker better be visibly gimpy. I'm talkin a legit handicap, too. I'm watching. I've got a Sharpie with me and that "N" will soon become a "D". Clocks ticking.

Beach balls

Fuck! First it was drowning. Then it was sharks, jellyfish, poopy water, HIV needles, tsunamis, and dickhead surfers. Now it's "watch out so your balls don't shrink/expand and get stuck between wooden slats and rescuers gotta bring the Jaws Of Life".


see more pwn and owned pictures

Drinking cancer

Albers is a skinny, artsy, environMENTAL studies dude. Every time I see him at Lovelace's shaping shack, he's the only guy in a respirator and standing outside the hot zone. That's probably a good thing. We'll see if that pays off for him in 20 years. He also doesn't drink out of plastic. Not a drop. So I had to finally make the switch. No more plastic bottles for me unless I absolutely have to. Not even Cokes in those stupid plastic bottles. I never liked them anyway. For while now, I've been reading studies about cancer causing Bisphenol A that leaches out of plastic bottles. Especially whne I leave my water on my front seat and it gets super heated. You can taste the cancer. So it was time to fire up the shiney new Kleen Kanteen. Now they'll find that black, stainless steel water containers give you hemmoroids. Fuck! That's all I need.

R2 for increased performance

I just found out why my Toyota Star Cruizer is a little more sluggish than I'd like. It's cuz I'm missing the R2D2 upgrade. Mines just stock. Wish I would've known about this sooner. That would be so sick when shit gets blown up then catches fire, he can just reach out with his little extendo grabber thing and knock down the flames. Plus he can tweak other shit like the NOS on my command. I could use that during the merging. Maybe I'll pick up a female version. You know, for those long road trips.

Fuego en la montana

A big, dangerous fire is tearing through the mountains of Santa Barbara right now. Somebody named it a stupid name...the Jesusita Fire. Dumb. It started on Cinco De Mayo, so that seems like the obvious name. Lots of homes already burned down, and more threatened. They evacuated a large chunk of the downtown's eastside. The crazy thing is that on the way to work yesterday it looked mellow and nearly out. Just some kind of mop up thing. Later that afternoon, sitting at my desk working away with the front doors wide open, it was like 80 degrees outside. Then all of a sudden, some winds whipped up and within 20 minutes it was up to 100. At about 4 I went outside and took this pic from our parking lot which is about 15 miles from the fire. Hope all is well with my friends. I've got a couple homes that I look after for the owners. I've got a great evac plan, but I've got about 9 cars to move if there's danger. If you're in SB and a bro of mine, you just might get an emergency call that pays well. The silver lining is that the surf was really fun yesterday and not many peeps in the agua. Everybody must've had more important things to worry bout.

How To

Acording to Wikipedia....

-The first facial hair to appear tends to grow at the corners of the upper lip,



-It then spreads to form a moustache over the entire upper lip,



-This is followed by the appearance of hair on the upper part of the cheeks, and the area under the lower lip,




-It eventually spreads to the sides and lower border of the chin, and the rest of the lower face to form a full beard.

Ed Gnarley

Ed Hardy is a sell out. Right as they were about to dominate the snowboard industry, too. I'm gonna have to burn all my $75 trucker hats. What's next, Affliction and Tapout are gonna be sold at Nordstroms? This economy is just killing the action sports industry and my streetwise fashion statements and I will not stand for it when one of the most eXXXtreme, corest brands gets sold to Iconix. The same company that owns such awesome brands as London Fog, Candies, and Mudd.
Youuuuuu mainiaaaaacs!!!!
Damm youz!
Godamm youz all to HELLLLLL!!!!


Ed Hardy Snowboard Team...

Bimmerfest 2009

Jon Shafer is a great guy and buddy of mine who runs a few webpages. One is a page devoted to Rincon. Another is Bimmerfest. I think it's the largest BMW forum board in the cyberwebs. Last weekend he hosted the largest BMW gathering in the world...seriously, the biggest in the whole fucking world, here in Santa Barbara. Take that you crazy Germans. It took up an entire polo field south of town. There was a shit ton of German cars zipping up and down the streets. Good weekend to be a cop, I guess. Anyway, my other buddy, Mike collects cars. His prize car since about 2001 is a 1959 pearl white BMW 507. He drove that sucker down to Bimmerfest and met up with Jon. It's the Holy Fucking Grail for many car lovers since there was only 252 of them made. It was basically a street legal racecar with class. It's a gorgeous rig that used to be parked in my garage when I was Mike's caretaker. On the other side of wall from my sloth pit was roughly $1.7 million in cool, mostly Euro cars that I occassionally drove to keep them charged. No American Muscle here, move along. In that garage was a 1959 Mercedes 300 SL($600,000), a 1958 performance Porsche ($200,000), 1997 Targa ($35,000), 1949 Plymouth Special Deluxe Woodie Wagon($57,000), and the 507 ($900,000+). I'm glad I didn't know the value at the time or I might have been a little more nervous. I drive a 1987 Toyota 4wd SuperVan ($3400).

Cho Poo Poo

Fred Patacchia stopped by the office a couple days ago to interview Mr Zog for his website. It reminded me to get my team together for Fantasy Surfer. Here's what I've got so far, but I have a few days to re-adjust.

Kelly Slater...He can win anywhere any time and he's relatively cheap.
Andy Irons...Everybody will have this guy since he costs only 1.5 million.
Taylor Knox...He's old (experienced),gnarly, and on top of his game.
Tiago Pieres...Not sure why, but whenever I add him, he makes a couple rounds.
Jordy Smith...Big, strong guy who's too dumb to be scared & can muscle through shit.
CJ Hobgood...Not sure why I added him, every time I add him he sucks balls.
Fred Patacchia...Hawaiian with shitty mustache that's calm in big, powerful surf.
Jay Thompson...Only 1.5 million and a darkhorse (might trade him at last second).